Grateful nation salutes heavy drinkers

BRITAIN has paid tribute to the so-called ‘problem’ drinkers who have raised billions in tax revenue.

David Cameron praised consistently heavy boozers as “the nation’s reddest heroes” at a special ceremony to honour their contribution.

Daytime drinker Roy Hobbs said: “Obviously I hate the bitter taste of beer and would prefer an Appletiser, but I love the thought of all that alcohol duty going to schools, libraries and community projects.

“I don’t want any recognition though. I’m like The Secret Millionaire, but less coherent and not a millionaire. Just staying anonymous at the bar between the hours of midday and closing time, or later than closing time if there’s a lock-in.”

“I’m just a guy who wants to help out his country one crippling hangover at a time and if my wife doesn’t see it that way then it’s her problem.”