Grateful nation salutes heavy drinkers

BRITAIN has paid tribute to the so-called ‘problem’ drinkers who have raised billions in tax revenue.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer praised consistently heavy boozers as “the nation’s reddest heroes” at a special ceremony to honour their contribution.

Daytime drinker Roy Hobbs said: “Obviously I hate the bitter taste of beer and would prefer an Appletiser, but I love the thought of all that alcohol duty going to schools, libraries and community projects.

“I don’t want any recognition though. I’m like The Secret Millionaire, but less coherent and not a millionaire. Just staying anonymous at the bar between the hours of midday and closing time, or later than closing time if there’s a lock-in.”

“I’m just a guy who wants to help out his country one crippling hangover at a time and if my wife doesn’t see it that way then it’s her problem.”

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Man with big holes in his ears desperate for your approval

A MAN who has made large holes in his ears is absolutely desperate for your approval.

Website designer Nathan Muir said: “I put huge fuck off holes in my ears to look cool. And by look cool I mean, look cool to you.

“Because, as any radical punk knows, it’s the opinions of strangers that matter.”

Fellow ear tunnel owner Julian Cook said: If you’d have asked me when I was a kid if I wanted huge holes in my ears so big that you could put your fist through them, I’d have said, ‘No. That’s stupid.’

“But here I am, a grown man and I think it looks great. Well, I do if you do.

“I’m thinking about getting a tattoo on my face at some point too, because that’s apparently no longer the distinguishing mark of a psychopath. Would you like that?”