A REVOLUTIONARY new type of plastic surgery does not make people look worse than they did before.
Innovative techniques mean patients will no longer resemble varnished shop window dummies that have slightly melted in a fire.
Plastic surgeon Stephen Malley said: “Previously we thought the inevitable outcome of face lifts and rhinoplasties was to give patients an unsettling, not-quite-human appearance like the Autons in Doctor Who.
“But we have perfected a series of radical new techniques, such as not chiselling perfectly normal noses into unusual shapes that don’t exist in nature.
“We’re also experimenting with not doing something weird to people’s eyelids or carving their face into the likeness of a startled skeleton.”
Malley will also turn his attention to other areas of cosmetic surgery, including breast implants that are breast-shaped rather than looking like half an 18th century naval cannonball.