New GP appointment system pits patients against each other in gladiatorial combat

THE public will secure GP appointments by fighting in simple, convenient gladiatorial contests under new government plans.

An automated telephone system will invite the lucky first 200 callers to their local arena with a heavy wooden shield, metal chain armour and a lion-skin pelt.

A health spokesman said: “The 8am scramble for appointments is unsustainable. We’ve listened to patients’ concerns and come up with a better way.

“So, from now on you’ll be pitted against each other in combat. Will you be armed with a net and a trident? A sword? A spear? Will a hungry bear be released? You won’t know, which makes it completely fair.

“In the contests as many as five waiting patients are reduced to one, cutting waiting times by up to 80 per cent, and the final decision will still be made by a cruel, indifferent receptionist giving a thumbs-up or thumbs-down from behind glass while not making eye contact or speaking.

“The contests will be shown in the waiting rooms with sponsorship from pharmaceutical companies. The victor will receive a half-arsed telephone call from a medical trust anytime between 2pm and never.”

Patient Joanna Kramer said: “I slaughtered three men and stood, tiger-striped with their blood, awarded the ultimate prize of an audience with a GP. He said it’s probably viral and he can’t prescribe anything.”

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Nothing anything to do with Brexit

THE UK has confirmed that not a single thing in the entire world has any connection to Brexit. 

Politicians both left and right have agreed that queues at borders, small boats, inflation, low wages, staff shortages, and the collapsing NHS are nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which is anyway done.

The prime minister said: “Brexit? Weird you’d even bring that up.

“Brexit is at once a perfect and brilliant source of eternal radiance that uplifts us all as a nation and as individuals, and completely over, in the past and not worth mentioning.

“It has no material effect on our lives. That was never the point and if you thought it was I pity you. It cannot be blamed for any failings nor, conversely, was it ever fated to bring prosperity. It simply is.”

Labour leader Keir Starmer agreed: “Brexit was a decision the British public took, about which they were right in every possible way, which is now history and cannot be debated or discussed again.

“Brexit cannot be at fault by its very nature. Would you castigate the night for not being the day? Brexit is Brexit is Brexit.”