A WOMAN is attempting to work out which of her new boyfriend’s female friends are genuinely platonic and which he has done it with.
Lucy Parry has been introduced to three of boyfriend Jordan Gardner’s female friends, a number she regards as suspicious in itself, and is trying to ascertain which have seen his engorged genitalia.
She said: “First there’s this Nat, apparently just an old pal from university until there’s a vague reference to them travelling Morocco and him talking in his sleep. So she’s seen his orgasm face.
“Then there’s Lindsey, who you’d think would be too old for him but she put her head on his shoulder in what I’d describe as an unmistakably post-coital mannerism.
“Helen may be actually platonic because there seems to be no sexual tension whatsoever, unless that’s exactly what they want me to think because they’re still at it. And that’s just the ones I’ve met.
“It makes me feel like I’m in a harem, except the sultan we’ve shared around like like a big bag of Hula Hoops is a 28-year-old retail manager from Warrington with a framed photo of Steven Gerrard on his wall that we’ve all looked at mid-shag.”
Gardner said: “Just because two individuals were once sexually intimate doesn’t mean they cease to respect, admire and support each another.
“And then at night I get to picture them all naked and I’m the king.”
