Girlfriend working out which female friends boyfriend has boned

A WOMAN is attempting to work out which of her new boyfriend’s female friends are genuinely platonic and which he has done it with. 

Lucy Parry has been introduced to three of boyfriend Jordan Gardner’s female friends, a number she regards as suspicious in itself, and is trying to ascertain which have seen his engorged genitalia.

She said: “First there’s this Nat, apparently just an old pal from university until there’s a vague reference to them travelling Morocco and him talking in his sleep. So she’s seen his orgasm face.

“Then there’s Lindsey, who you’d think would be too old for him but she put her head on his shoulder in what I’d describe as an unmistakably post-coital mannerism.

“Helen may be actually platonic because there seems to be no sexual tension whatsoever, unless that’s exactly what they want me to think because they’re still at it. And that’s just the ones I’ve met.

“It makes me feel like I’m in a harem, except the sultan we’ve shared around like like a big bag of Hula Hoops is a 28-year-old retail manager from Warrington with a framed photo of Steven Gerrard on his wall that we’ve all looked at mid-shag.”

Gardner said: “Just because two individuals were once sexually intimate doesn’t mean they cease to respect, admire and support each another.

“And then at night I get to picture them all naked and I’m the king.”

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Five brilliant, life-changing opportunities you f**ked up

LIFE is full of crossroads moments where choosing the right path is the key to a fantastic future. Here are five you blew.

Your school days

You were pretty bright at school and could have gone on to great academic success, but youthful you decided it was much more fun to piss about to impress your mates. After all, who wants to be the classroom swot? The answer, of course, is that kid who’s shitting money now and living in a New York loft apartment while you still languish at your parents’.

Your choice of degree

You got the grades to scrape into university and could have picked a useful career path subject like engineering or economics. Unfortunately you chose drama studies which has left you with an immense student loan to pay off using the money from your job working in a call centre.

That girl you dumped who’s now worth a fortune

Lucy was kind and thoughtful, but her friend Nikki had bigger tits and went like the clappers in the back of your Peugeot 208, so it felt like an obvious switch. Six months later Nikki was bored of you and shagging your mate Dave, so would Lucy have you back? Would she f**k. She was too busy setting up a business on the side of her degree that has now made her a millionaire.

The place you live

Everyone seemed to be moving to London after university, apart from your school friend Sophie who went back to your home town. Fast forward 15 years and you’re scraping together £1,200 a month for a poky flat in Catford, while she’s almost mortgage-free on her three-bed semi in a nice part of town. It’s getting increasingly hard to believe you made the better choice, but you keep trying.

Your partner

All your mates had serious partners by the age of 30 and you didn’t want to be left on the shelf, so you convinced yourself that bland, boring Oliver who you’d been unenthusiastically dating for a while was the perfect bloke to settle down with. Now you never have sex, his hair is thinning rapidly, and you’re constantly fantasising about how easy it would be to smother the useless bastard in his sleep, but at least you’ve got a ring on your finger.