New hormone test offers married men timetable of misery

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man’s life will fall to bits.

The urine-based harbinger of doom is able to show when women are at their peak of brood-mental fertility, when their libido will shrivel like a three-day-old kebab salad and when the menopause will herald a whole new set of male nightmares.

Currently only available via hospitals, within three years pharmacists will be able to hand down almanacs of sorrow to men on their way home from the shops.

Crushed newlywed Roy Hobbs said : “My wife got checked because she wasn’t happy with all the uncertainty surrounding how much longer I could spend money on stupid shit I like rather than stupid shit a toddler would like.

“The results came back and I’ve got until May 18th 2017 to get her pregnant. 2108 days, half of which I plan to spend pissed. In the back of my mind I always knew this day would come, I just never thought I’d be able to meticulously plan a send-off party for my balls.”

He added: “Moving on, June 5th 2036 is when I can wave goodbye to having a wet dick ever again and October 19th 2042 will be the point at which I’m no longer the proud owner of the bushiest moustache in the house.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “I’ve invented a technique to synchronise the milestone heartbreaks with a biomechanical clock implanted into a spouse’s forehead.

“Why? Because I’ve got three kids, a constant migraine and fuck you.”

Meanwhile, Roy Hobbs said: “I’d end it all now, but apparently that doctor’s piss-stick says I’ve got to pretend to give a shit about furniture until her osteoporosis kicks in.

“You know the bit at the end of The Fly when the fly puts the shotgun barrel to its own forehead with a piteous look in its eyes? That.”



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Housing market affected by houses being on fire

ESTATE agents are struggling to find buyers for Britain’s increasing number of on-fire homes, it has emerged.

UK property professionals believe that difficulties in an already-delicate housing market are being compounded by an estimated 36% of available dwellings being ablaze.

Gloucester estate agent Tom Logan said: “It is generally harder to sell a house that’s engulfed in flames. A lot of buyers will say they like it but just can’t quite see themselves living there.

“But the current explosion in things being on fire couldn’t have come at a worse time for sellers.

“However, selling a house is all about marketing and presentation so it’s all about accentuating positives. I always point out how new the flames actually are and that when the firemen have gone home it will be a wonderful blank canvas.

“I would recommend to buyers that they don’t immediately disregard burning houses. After all it’s very likely that if they buy a place that doesn’t already have smoke coming out of it, it soon will, as there are thousands of people out there very keen to set it on fire.”

He added: “And can I just say that compared to the fucked up shit happening today people like me  seem like a twee, PG Wodehouse throwback to a gentler, more humane age.”

First-time buyer Emma Bradford said: “My boyfriend and I have looked at a few burning houses because they’re cheaper and it’s still better than renting.

“Also a place that’s been reduced to a charred skeleton does not involve picking away at loads of dowdy wood chip wallpaper.”