Next lockdown to immediately follow this lockdown but to be a separate different lockdown

THE government has confirmed that immediately following this lockdown there will be another lockdown but that it is a totally different lockdown. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock explained that he would not even consider extending the English lockdown and ruining Christmas for millions but that, due to circumstances beyond his control, an entirely separate third lockdown would be imposed.

Wearing his usual shit-eating out-of-his-depth grin, he continued: “We have made a promise to the people of England that this lockdown will end on December 2nd, and we will keep that promise.

“The next lockdown will be based on the tiers system and introduce a new fourth tier, under which all non-essential and hospitality businesses must close and travel is discouraged. The whole of England will be in this tier.

“So, as you can see, anyone claiming we have kept the country in lockdown is wrong and our friends in the right-wing media can shut up about it. And also, it’s all the public’s fault.”

In accordance with government policy, there will be a day between the two lockdowns where all the pubs are open so everyone can go out and really give the R number a boost.

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Man farts his way through Zoom meeting

A MAN has spent an entire Zoom meeting with high-level executives blissfully breaking wind.

Wayne Hayes, 32 and chronically flatulent, spent a 90-minute team conference chuffing away in front of his happily unaware superiors.

He said: “Meetings used to be a constant battle between me and my errant guts, but working from home has changed everything.

“The mute function has truly changed my life. I was letting rip non-stop in today’s meeting, from the analysis of last quarter’s performance to the outlook for next year.

“Even when the CEO popped on to talk about the new company mission statement, I was trumping like a lord. I’m living the dream.”

After months perfecting his technique, Hayes has mastered an expression of thoughtful contemplation which his colleagues unwittingly believe means he is paying especially close attention while he unleashes unbelievable anal horror beneath the desk.

Later this month he will go too far when he follows through during an appraisal meeting and has to fake a broken internet connection.