NHS forcing old people into bare-knuckle boxing

THE National Health Service is now little more than a front for illegal boxing matches between frail pensioners, according to a new report.

The health services ombudsman Ann Abraham studied 10 cases of alleged abuse of elderly people within the NHS and concluded that there were now no women in the UK over the age of 75 who had not been forced to take part in at least one bare-knuckle bloodbath.

Abraham said: “Take the case of Mrs C. She was admitted for stomach pains but instead of being seen by a doctor she was taken to the boiler room, thrust into the centre of a circle of baying nurses and told to fight for her life against an elderly woman who was obviously very experienced in underground fisticuffs.”

But an NHS spokesman said the vast majority of old people who are admitted to hospital are not forced into a bone crunching death match, adding: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

Abrahams also revealed that after the fight the nurses did not even give Mrs C  a glass of water or a bath, but just stuffed a roll of tenners in her hand and told her to ‘get totally hammered’.”

She said: “Unfortunately we have decided that this is all too typical and that there is probably gambling involved as well.”

The NHS spokesman added: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”

The health service is now bracing itself for another top to bottom reform with each of its 1.2 million staff members having  to spend at least four hours  a day carrying out a series of detailed checks to make sure they are not forcing an old woman to have a fight.

The NHS spokesman said: “It’s only based on 10 cases.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Unravelling the many secrets of love.

Love landed on my life like a bird onto a sheep’s back,
I could feel its feet and hear its song,
But could not see this little winged backpack,
If only my short sheep’s neck was long.

I wrote that stanza when I was 15 and I have not been able to match that lyrical quality since those creatively fertile years. Let me try in this moment of inspiration.

‘Attractive face, attractive 3D eyes, nose and 3D hair…’

No, it’s just not there, I can’t vibe the same way I used to, but what I miss in lyrical skill I have gained in the form of my perfect partner, Paew Pang. She’s sophisticated, aromatic and has a top of speed of just under 20 miles per hour. This is my story of how I brought her into my life. Learn from it and let it inspire you.

I am a well proportioned man, both intellectually and physically, but I didn’t have the perfect partner. I was doing all the right things, I had visualized the perfect woman and listed the qualities I wanted; good looks with a slight lack of confidence and someone who knows how to make love to a Hip Hop soundtrack and has croupier skills for poker nights. Years went by, but there was no sign of her.

One day I woke up to find two fairly expensive hookers in my bed and I gasped when I realised my actions were contradicting what I wanted. If there were two paid for women in my bed then physically there was no room for my perfect partner. My actions were hurting my current account, but more importantly they were powerfully saying to the Universe that I did not believe I was going to receive what I had asked for unless I got a bigger bed.

I got rid of the girls immediately, then went to my diary to see I had prebooked them for every weekend in 2007. I cancelled all my future appointments and made room for the universe to deliver me someone fresh and beautiful who wouldn’t steal stuff from my house on the way out.   

I type this story to you now as Paew Pang stands next to me dutifully holding a tray of drinks and snacks.  After taking all these powerful actions and flying to Thailand and choosing Paew Pang from a line-up my perfect partner arrived in my life and now we’re happily married.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of Money Can Obviously Buy You Love.