NHS gone

BRITAIN is watching the National Health Service being replaced by signs promising that an exciting new health provider is coming soon.

Across the UK, hospitals, clinics and doctors have been removedleaving only hoardings showing airbrushed images of fantastic healthcare being given to pretty people.

Francesca Logan, standing outside the razor-wire fenced 74-acres of waste ground that used to be the Royal Surrey County Hospital, said: “It’s all very well that 21st century healthcare solutions are coming soon to this space, but my baby’s due next week.

“Though it has solved the problems with parking.”

A government spokesman said: “Unfortunately we found that across the country the NHS was under assault by the British public, who were draining its resources, exhausting its staff and even dying on its premises, leaving it in an absolutely terrible state.

“Consequently we have taken the difficult decision to remove the NHS from the British Isles until further notice.

“We apologise for any inconvenience this might cause over the next few years, but if you do find you need urgent surgery call 111 and automated voice menus will guide you through the necessary steps.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Young people to have arses kicked all the way to polling stations

SQUADS of arse-kickers are to be deployed to ensure the under-25s bother to vote.

The force of large-booted volunteers will be especially active in universities, organising raids at the crack of noon to rouse apathetic students from their sleep.

Arse-kicker Norman Steele, 47, said: “Just for once we’d like an election to reflect the idealistic, socially progressive views of large sections of the population if only they could be arsed.

“No, there isn’t an app for it. No, you can’t tap your vote on a screen while keeping half an eye on Come Dine With Me.

“You have to do walk 800 yards to a school and operate a small pencil, the way your bigoted grandparents do.”

Meanwhile, any young person who uses the phrase, ‘whoever you vote for, the government always gets in’, will get a double arse-kicking.