NHS reform to definitely work this time

THE government is to press ahead with massive changes to the NHS because this time it is obviously going to work.

Health secretary Andrew Lansley insisted all the previous massive reforms had missed out something really simple and that all he had to do was to make sure that did not happen again.

And he stressed that this time it would definitely work because the government had asked a lot of doctors what they think.

Mr Lansley said: “The key problem is the primary care trust system which has reduced hospitals to being nothing more than a lot of doctors and nurses in a big building treating people who aren’t well.

“We need to erase that idea from our national consciousness and instead see hospitals as large buildings, staffed by distinct types of medical professional who are focused on making sick people feel better.”

He added: “It is time to put patients in charge of their own healthcare. While that may lead initially to some catastrophic misdiagnoses and thousands of easily preventable deaths, it is surely better than some top down, centralised bureaucracy where ordinary patients are constantly told what to do by qualified medical professionals who see them as nothing more than a human being that is displaying a set of symptoms of which they have a high degree of expert knowledge.

“And also the term ‘primary care trust’ was invented by someone from the Labour Party, so it’s shit.”

Patients have welcomed the latest massive reform claiming it could not possibly fail and that they were all really looking forward to going to hospital now.

Roy Hobbs, 56, from Huntingdon, recently took part in a pilot scheme which he described as ‘fresh and exciting’ and ‘easily the best NHS reform’ he has ever seen.

He added: “When I went in it for some tests it was just Peterborough City Hospital, but when I came out three hours later it was the Edith Cavell Wellness Delivery Interchange, Powered by Diet Fanta.

“They still don’t know why my head is the size of a basketball, but I feel much happier knowing that Fanta is on my team.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Third of 11 year-olds cannot draw recognisable penis

RECORD numbers of primary school children lack the basic skills to draw a
serviceable cock and balls, according to new research.

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development looked at penises drawn in textbooks, and etched into desks with compasses, at over 850 primary schools in the UK.

Research chief, Dr Tom Logan, said: “We compared each of the drawings to the Heimrich-Bembecker Phallus of 1963, which is the objective standard by which juvenile penis pictures are measured.

“The Heimrich-Bembecker sits at a 45 degree angle, with a simple horizontal line representing the so-called ‘bell end’. There are two testicles, ovoid not spherical, each with three curved pubolicles.

“The ability to draw something akin to that is the most basic measure of academic aptitude. Put simply, if you can’t draw a cock and balls you’re probably going to stumble a bit with basic sums, let alone quantum mechanics.”

While Chinese and South Korean children are etching increasingly life-like genitalia, the OECD found that more than 30% of the UK penis drawings could easily have been something else, including a malformed swan, a Zeppelin passing over two small clouds or some bagpipes.

Primary school teacher, Emma Bradford, said: “We make time every week for anatomical drawings and we are starting to see some improvement. Most can now manage something that is obviously a pair of tits.

“This type of work is a launchpad from which we hope to get them writing misspelled swearwords like ‘nob’ and ‘fuk’ which will eventually develop into proper sentences by the time they’re 30.”

But educationalist Dr Julian Cook questioned the validity of the findings, insisting: “There is no right or wrong way. Each child must be allowed to develop their own idea of what a penis drawing should look like.

“And the Heimrich-Bembecker doesn’t even have any spunk coming out of it.”