NHS to recruit debutante heiress nurses

STUDENT nurses are to be recruited from the society pages of Tatler after the withdrawal of bursaries. 

Following the government’s decision to remove financial help for nursing students, all new nurses must be able to prove they are independently wealthy and own at least one horse.

NHS recruiter Eleanor Shaw said: “We’re setting up stands at Glyndebourne, Henley Regatta and on several leading grouse moors, and we hope to have 1,500 braying Sloanes on staff by October.

“Channel 4 is already making the mash-up 24 Hours in A&E in Chelsea, where Binky treats a pensioner’s fistula while rowing with Jamie about choosing a party caterer by Skype.

“Soon, every British person suffering a serious illness will be treated by a guffawing privately-educated rah with an overbite who’s only doing this because PR is so over.”

Mary Fisher-Archer of Knightsbridge said: “Oh wows, you’ve broken a hip. How awfully awful for you.”