Nights drawing in now, say grans

IT WILL soon be dark in the evenings again, according to Britain’s grandmothers.

Old people the length and breadth of the land have urged relatives to wrap up warm because the days are getting shorter and winter will be here before you know it. 

Eleanor Shaw, 76, said: “Well, that’s another summer gone. Time to draw the curtains, sit almost directly on top of a radiator and whack the central heating up as high as it will go.

“Look at you young people running around without so much as a scarf. You won’t be laughing when the icy winds of August give you the potentially fatal flu.”

26-year old Tom Booker said: “My nan’s put her clocks back already, and she’ll have her Christmas decorations up by the end of the month.

“She keeps repeating the phrase ‘winter is coming’, like a character from Game of Thrones.”

Booker’s nan, Maisie, said: “Well, winter is coming. I also think we should burn them, burn them all.”

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Local man to front 'Don't Know' campaign

FATHER-OF-TWO Tom Logan is to front the ‘Don’t Know’ campaign, it has emerged.

Bristol-based Logan, who knows the basics of politics, believes he’s the perfect man for the job as he genuinely does not know who to vote for in the EU referendum.

He said: “I feel very strongly that I don’t know which way to vote or why. I don’t like or trust anyone involved and it all seems rather complicated.

“That’s why we are calling for more information, or perhaps less information because all the information is confusing. To be honest I don’t really know what we want.”

Nikki Hollis, deputy leader of the Don’t Know campaign, told a packed news conference: “I don’t know either. We’re suddenly being asked to think about hardcore economics when we only normally think about more interesting things like going on holiday or television crime drama.

“It’s hard to say what we should do, and it’ll be equally hard to know whether it was the right thing after we’ve done it, because we won’t have done the other thing.

“That’s our message. I think that’s our message anyway. Is that a message?”

The gathered crowd then chanted “We don’t know, we don’t know, we don’t know” as Hollis left the stage.