Jesus returns to save Top Gear

JESUS has returned to earth with a plan to save Top Gear even if it means dying in the process.

After witnessing humanity’s despair over the once-popular motoring show, Jesus has decided that divine intervention is needed for the first time in 2,000 years.

Jesus said: “Top Gear has lost its way, like the sheep in the parable, so God and I have come up with some format changes.

“I’ll be replacing Chris Evans as the main presenter. That’s not a criticism of him, it’s just that I can perform miracles so I’ll be able to do stunts that piss on Hammond’s jet car.

“In my first episode I’m going from London to Hawaii in a Ford Mustang by driving on the sea at 1,000mph, then for comic relief there’ll be an Austin Allegro getting eaten by a real T-rex.

“There’s still the problem of it not being the same without Jeremy Clarkson, so I have fashioned a new Clarkson out of clay and breathed life into him.

“If the ratings are still low I’m prepared to be crucified on top of a Ferrari Testarossa that gets driven into the Grand Canyon by the Devil and explodes. I think viewers will be interested in that.

“In the meantime I’m bringing back Quentin Wilson to do proper reviews of affordable cars, because they were humorous but also informative.”