Nine wildly contradictory claims about the Omicron variant

THE Omicron variant is the hot new strain of Covid sweeping the world, but what are the facts and what are their exact opposites? 

It’s much more dangerous than other variants

Omicron will not only make you cough, it takes over your motor functions, marches you to a cashpoint, forces you to withdraw your life savings and gives the cash to strangers.

It’s much safer than other variants

It actually protects you from catching Covid by giving you a mild version, like cowpox and smallpox. Hold an Omicron party, checking to make sure it’s definitely Omicron first.

It hasn’t reached the UK

Only a tiny number of people in Scotland have Omicron and they’re all wearing masks up there and there’s a travel ban so it won’t even get a foothold here. You’re safe.

It’s already everywhere

Omicron has evolved to transmit via Xbox Live so thousands of Battlefield-playing teenagers have already given it to their whole school. It is inescapable and deadly.

It’s a Transformer

You’re thinking of Unicron, voiced by Orson Welles in his last screen role. Omicron is nothing like that. It’s a Voltron, meaning it forms together with four other variants to make a giant Super-Covid.

It’s an anagram of ‘moronic’

Technically yes, but more importantly it’s an anagram of ‘Comic-Con’ if you squint a bit, meaning anyone who catches it becomes so terminally nerdy they know the difference between Unicron and Voltron.

Existing vaccines are 100 per cent effective

There’s absolutely no need for concern, because the vaccines we already have give you complete protection. My mate Andy’s mate Steve was erecting a fence for a GP and she told him. Straight up.

Existing vaccines offer no protection

Vaccines can’t stop it. It actually absorbs the vaccine and that makes it stronger. Once it’s absorbed all the different vaccines it will be invincible and lay waste to the earth.

There’s no need to panic so panic

They say there’s no need to panic on the news. That means they’re trying to cover it up, so panic. Unless that’s what they want you to think? Or is it a triple-bluff? And Mum wants to know about Christmas?

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Not worth going anywhere once you factor in parking, study finds

A STUDY has revealed that the ballache involved in parking your car when going anywhere makes it not worth leaving the house for anything at all.

Researchers found that circling endlessly around car parks, trying to reverse park on busy city streets and paying absolute shitloads for the privilege counteracted any enjoyment from shopping, visiting beauty spots or going on holiday.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Technically there is good stuff out there in the world. But there’s no way you’ll ever enjoy it once parking’s involved.

“You might pretend you’re taking in that nature reserve or having fun at Alton Towers. But all you’re really thinking about is the twatting machine that ate your coins or the f**king app that refused to download.

“87 per cent of visitors to a lovely Cornish beach were, when questioned, entirely focused on having to leave the car parked in a dodgy corner spot where someone’s bound to scrape it. The other 13 per cent were children.

“Staying home is much better for your mental health than trying to watch a film terrified that you’ll come out and there’ll be a ticket on the windscreen, or worse yet a clamp on the wheel.

“And don’t even think about public transport. That’s far worse.”