THE Omicron variant is the hot new strain of Covid sweeping the world, but what are the facts and what are their exact opposites?
It’s much more dangerous than other variants
Omicron will not only make you cough, it takes over your motor functions, marches you to a cashpoint, forces you to withdraw your life savings and gives the cash to strangers.
It’s much safer than other variants
It actually protects you from catching Covid by giving you a mild version, like cowpox and smallpox. Hold an Omicron party, checking to make sure it’s definitely Omicron first.
It hasn’t reached the UK
Only a tiny number of people in Scotland have Omicron and they’re all wearing masks up there and there’s a travel ban so it won’t even get a foothold here. You’re safe.
It’s already everywhere
Omicron has evolved to transmit via Xbox Live so thousands of Battlefield-playing teenagers have already given it to their whole school. It is inescapable and deadly.
It’s a Transformer
You’re thinking of Unicron, voiced by Orson Welles in his last screen role. Omicron is nothing like that. It’s a Voltron, meaning it forms together with four other variants to make a giant Super-Covid.
It’s an anagram of ‘moronic’
Technically yes, but more importantly it’s an anagram of ‘Comic-Con’ if you squint a bit, meaning anyone who catches it becomes so terminally nerdy they know the difference between Unicron and Voltron.
Existing vaccines are 100 per cent effective
There’s absolutely no need for concern, because the vaccines we already have give you complete protection. My mate Andy’s mate Steve was erecting a fence for a GP and she told him. Straight up.
Existing vaccines offer no protection
Vaccines can’t stop it. It actually absorbs the vaccine and that makes it stronger. Once it’s absorbed all the different vaccines it will be invincible and lay waste to the earth.
There’s no need to panic so panic
They say there’s no need to panic on the news. That means they’re trying to cover it up, so panic. Unless that’s what they want you to think? Or is it a triple-bluff? And Mum wants to know about Christmas?