No amount of vitamin supplements can rescue your f**ked up diet and lifestyle

NECKING vitamin and mineral supplements will do bugger all to make up for your terrible lifestyle choices, doctors have confirmed.

No matter how expensive, organic or difficult to swallow, they will never be able to offset all the other crap you pile into your body on a daily basis.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Whatever the packaging claims, medically speaking taking supplements is about as much use as believing unicorns will come and magic you into health.

“You can bosh as many milk thistle tablets as you like but they will do precisely f**k all to combat the fact that you have spent the last 25 years systematically destroying your liver down the pub.

“And taking garlic pills on a daily basis won’t dissolve the cholesterol that has built up around your heart after living on a diet of Greggs and Pot Noodles that you have belatedly realised doesn’t count as ‘varied’.

“In fact, the only proven effect of vitamin supplements is to burn a massive hole in your bank balance. Twenty quid for a small pot of cranberry pills? It’s less painful to live with the cystitis.”

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Rowing, and four other sports for wankers

IN most situations it’s unfair to generalise about people. However, if you meet someone who does one of these sports, it’s safe to assume they’re a massive bellend:


If your biggest worry is whether your horse can trot sideways elegantly enough, most people will find you very hard to relate to. Dancing is usually seen as a fun activity for doing with humans, rather than animals, so be prepared for people to judge you as a posh weirdo with more money than sense.


Congratulations, you’ve decided to dedicate yourself to a sport that involves getting up at 5am every morning. You’ve given up ever having a lie-in for the chance to spend your leisure time freezing in a boat with a bunch of other privately educated pricks while being yelled at by someone called a coxswain. Brilliant.


If you’re looking for a way to be massively elitist and highlight the fact that you’ve got thousands of spare quid to piss away, then sailing is the hobby for you. When you’re not out on the waves, you can enjoy mending your halyard and chatting to other idiots in red chinos and deck shoes about the next regatta you’re attending.


Polo is basically a posher version of croquet for people who can spunk a fortune on owning a horse. And what’s all that money for? Being bounced around a muddy field with eight people, most of whom are called Rupert or Mungo, while you smash at each other with mallets.


A sport for people who are fundamentally unable to face the real world. Rather than enjoying any of the dozens of real sports available, you’ve instead decided to spend your weekends twatting about in a park on a broom yelling about a snitch and looking like an absolute wanker.