Nurse admits using food bank for fun

A NURSE has admitted that she has plenty of money to buy groceries but loves the vibe down at the food bank so visits three times a week.

Carolyn Ryan, aged 34, earns £30,000 a year which after rent, bills, childcare and student loans leaves her with a disposable income in two figures, but goes to the food bank anyway because it is such a laugh.

She said: “First, they’re giving away food for free. I mean, hello? I’m not an idiot.

“Second, the craic down there is epic. Whether you’re a single mother in condemned housing, an unemployed man in his mid-50s or a Deliveroo rider exhausted after a 16-hour shift, it’s all good down the food bank.

“I popped in last week for some own-brand bran flakes and cheddar I didn’t even need, just to hang out with the guys. The mood is just infectious. You don’t want to leave and not just because the heating’s on.

“I know I don’t actually need to use the food bank – any backbench Tory MP can tell you that – but I do anyway for the thrill, for the camaraderie, and to make the government look bad.”

Conservative voter Norman Steele said: “I f**king knew it.”

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Six car stickers for pathetic wankers

FEW things scream ‘pathetic’ like stickers in your rear window intended to impress others with your lifestyle. Like these irksome examples.


You love Cornwall so much you feel the need to display the county flag with the Cornish word for it in your f**king Range Rover. You stupidly think it makes you one of the locals, not realising it makes them detest tourists like you even more. However it’s a considerate gesture toward the vandals of St. Ives, as it will save them time deciding which car to key.

My other car’s a… 

Oh the hilarity. This gag quickly got old when knackered Skodas displayed it in the 70s, but remains popular with tossers who want to share their brilliant sense of humour via car stickers. See also: ‘Boobies make me smile’, ‘No baby on board – Durex’, etc. The only thing worse is if your other car really is a Porsche or Jag, in which case you may as well get a custom-made sticker saying ‘Weapons-grade arsehole’.


You think your hippy street cred is massively enhanced by showing you care about the planet, as if everyone else thinks living in a toxic wasteland would be just peachy. You conveniently gloss over the fact you’re showing your support for a greener Earth while chugging along the M5 in an old Volvo pumping petrol fumes into the clogged atmosphere.

Baby/Princess on Board

New parents already bore the shit out of everyone with the fruits of their reproductive organs, so the rear window is another outlet to broadcast their non-news. Then there’s the inference that everyone else on the road bar you is a baby-hating maniac. Don’t be surprised if someone ploughs into the back of you purely because they’re sick of being patronised.

National Trust membership

Why anyone would advertise being a boring middle-aged twat who likes looking round old mansions is a mystery. Probably they think it makes them look interesting, plus a bit posh and superior. In reality it means you’re the kind of tedious old fart who corners people at social gatherings with conversations about the artistic genius of William Morris. (Him what did the fancy wallpaper, if you’re a dreadful pleb.)

Your mum’s disabled Blue Badge sticker

You take her shopping on the weekends because she’s old, immobile and doesn’t drive, so you’re entitled to it, right? Er, no. You’re not meant to flagrantly abuse the privilege by nicking the parking spaces right outside Waitrose all the rest of the week too. When she dies you’ll keep using it, but everyone knows you’re a tosser by now and pretty much expects it of you.