Obese children less of a problem than the twats moaning about them

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

Researchers have found that fat kids are far less damaging to society than the adults who cannot see them without barking self-righteously about videogames or benefits claimants or whatever.

Dr Mary Fisher said: “Overweight children break a few chairs, sure, but there aren’t that many of them.

“Whereas the bores sapping your will to live with incessant rants about children not being allowed to go out and play nowadays because of ‘health and safety’ number in the tens of thousands.

“These hateful compassion-voids really want to bully the playground fatty directly but can’t, so instead they claim that it’s some new phenomenon of modern life like Billy Bunter never happened.

“They need to be put on an immediate diet of shutting the fuck up, coupled with a course of exercising their brains enough to recognise the garbage spewing out of their mouths.”

Fisher added: “The fat kids will probably lose the weight later. Besides, it’s funny watching them try to do sport.”

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Grey-haired dead-eyed morning Wetherspoons drinker only 28

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged. 

Tom Logan, a regular at his local bargain-priced pub, is assumed to be a pensioner or at least a former miner when he is actually too young to remember Gazza’s tears at Italia 90.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The clusters of old men you see in Wetherspoons first thing in the morning have baffled social scientists for years.

“Are they war heroes who breakfast on four pints of lager and spend the rest of the day in a haze? Or is there no heating in their sheltered flat so they make one pint last right through to closing time, staring blankly at faux library shelves through bloodshot eyes?

“The answer, it turns out, is none of the above. These old people are actually young people. Young people who in their early 20s went on package holidays and fell in love with early morning drinking at the airport.

“Let this be a warning to the young. If you need a pint, wait until at least midday. It’s the great battle all of us fight.”

Logan said: “These kids with their iPhones. They don’t know what living is.”