Office workers advised to run away

UNHEALTHY office staff have been advised to get out of their chairs and run from their workplace, never to return.

After new research revealed the serious health effects of a desk-bound lifestyle, experts advised the best option is running away in search of freedom.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Forget going to the gym, that’s just another big soulless building full of self-obsessed twats.

“Just slip on a pair of trainers, stand at your ‘workstation’, take a deep breath and RUN as far as you can, away from the meaningless, fake-happy corporate horror of it all. You’re getting exercise and you’re also escaping.

“Run out of the building, out of the town, into the fields and woods. Run until you cannot see anything but nature and then lie on your back laughing maniacally.

“Then start gathering firewood and building a crude shelter.”

Former sales administrator Stephen Malley said: “I was playing squash twice a week and doing pilates, then I just decided to run away from my old life instead.

“Now I live in a quarry and my best friend is a fox. I’ve lost two stone and I’ll probably be dead by 55 but at least I feel alive.”

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Ask Holly: Since stepping down as UKIP leader I've been toying with pimping myself out

Dear Holly,

Since stepping down as leader of UKIP I’ve been toying with the idea of pimping myself out to a reality show. Imagine how viewers would recoil in horror at the sight of my enormous spotted dick being revealed on the Great British Bake Off? I’ll stoop to anything, especially if it causes offence to Europeans. Is there an EU version of I’m a Celebrity in which I can be obnoxious to everyone, refuse to eat local delicacies and demand to leave immediately? 



Dear Nigel,

I love reality TV, especially the gritty fly-on-the-wall documentary series about a young female pig called Peppa. Part social experiment, part vegan propaganda, ‘Peppa’ gives us insight into the Pig family’s troubled life, full of sibling conflict, patriarchal incompetency and catchy little songs as they and their animal friends attempt to carve themselves a meaningful existence whilst trying to delay their inevitable slaughter at the hands of humankind. But actually I think I like Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom slightly more because it has fairies.

Hope that helps,