Only unappealing 'own brand' fizzy drinks allowed on sale

FIZZY drinks must be drab ‘own brand’ versions, under new plans to cut child obesity. 

Popular brands like Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Fanta are to be withdrawn from supermarket shelves, leaving only stores’ shit-looking versions that no child on Earth wants.

A government spokesman said: “Everyone who’s ever been to school knows that shop-brand fizzy drinks, with names like ‘Low Calorie Lemonade’, ‘Farm Ginger Ale’ and ‘Fizzy Orange’, are inherently unappealing and drinking them makes you a social pariah.

“With their unimaginative branding and overall lack of any marketing concept, they smack of ‘loser’. You probably wouldn’t drink them and nor will your kids.”

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Scottish border guards would force Englishmen to squeal like a pig

AN independent Scotland would have border checkpoints where guards would force English tourists to squeal like pigs.

A leading academic warned the move was inevitable because of European laws and Scotland’s innate hostility towards sophisticated outsiders.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The guards will ask to see your passport and then giggle at you menacingly. Particularly if you are a chubby male – with a pretty mouth.

“You will then be told to strip to your underpants, forced on to all-fours and ordered to squeal.

“You’ll be like this – ‘WEEE! WEEE! WEEE! WEEE!’.

“What happens next is best left to the imagination.”

A Scottish government spokesman said: “We do not foresee the circumstances in which an independent Scotland would have border guards, but if we did, it is unlikely they would force anyone on to all-fours.

“They may tell someone they have a pretty mouth, but they wouldn’t do it in a threatening or ominous way.

“They would probably say something like, ‘everything seems to be in order here and, if you don’t mind me saying so, you have a very pretty mouth’.

“‘Welcome to Scotland’.”