FIZZY drinks must be drab ‘own brand’ versions, under new plans to cut child obesity.
Popular brands like Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Fanta are to be withdrawn from supermarket shelves, leaving only stores’ shit-looking versions that no child on Earth wants.
A government spokesman said: “Everyone who’s ever been to school knows that shop-brand fizzy drinks, with names like ‘Low Calorie Lemonade’, ‘Farm Ginger Ale’ and ‘Fizzy Orange’, are inherently unappealing and drinking them makes you a social pariah.
“With their unimaginative branding and overall lack of any marketing concept, they smack of ‘loser’. You probably wouldn’t drink them and nor will your kids.”