Sunday, 27th September 2020

Ponciest areas of London placed in permanent lockdown

THE ponciest areas of London are to be placed in permanent lockdown, it has been confirmed.

Several areas of the nation’s capital will now see their residents quarantined for good to contain trendy wankers and prevent the spread of dickishness.

A government spokesman said: “After careful modelling, we see no other option. Access in and out of these areas will now be extremely limited to stop any twattishness seeping out and infecting the rest of the country.

“The East London lockdown, from Hackney to Dalston, will save the country from the painful, irreversible effects of exposure to spoken word poets, DJs and bloggers living off allowances from their parents in the Home Counties.

“Meanwhile, the West London lockdown, which affects Kensington, Fulham and stretches into Chiswick, will see an immediate nosedive in the general public’s risk of encountering pastel chinos, the word ‘bantz’ and creepy people who have probably featured in Made in Chelsea.

“Nothing to do with Covid-19, they’re just knobheads.”