Roll-up smokers impervious to health warnings

THE government is to remove health advice from rolling tobacco packets because the people who buy them simply do not care.

Health minister Victoria Atkins said: “Research shows that people who smoke those dirty little DIY cigarettes just don’t give a shit about anything.

“I bet their houses are disgusting.”

Rollie fan Emma Bradford said: “I’m not into health, I’m not in any way aspirational and I don’t give a fuck what people think. And that is probably the classic profile of the roll-up smoker.

“I just want a shiny pouch that I can dip my brown-tipped fingers into, pull out a lovely moist clump of nut brown baccy then clumsily drop it onto a crumpled Rizla.

“No filter, because filters are for children.”

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Game of Thrones currently filming absolutely everywhere

FANTASY drama Game of Thrones is now being filmed in every conceivable place.

The seemingly endless list of locations for the hit TV series has now grown to include the North Pole, all Wimpy restaurants and a garden centre in Trowbridge.

Series creator George R R Martin said: “We are doing for Earth what The Lord of the Rings did for New Zealand.

“This planet is now Westeros and we will come and film in your garage soon. You cannot stop us as we have loads of swords.

“Not that you would want to because you are obsessed with Game of Thrones.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I got back from work and my house had been turned into a medieval brothel. There was a massive orgy followed by a massacre in the utility room.

“The crew of over 1,000 people had eaten all our breakfast cereal. It’s fine though because Peter Dinklage autographed my forehead.”