New coat gives false sense of hope

A WINTER coat has given its owner the unfounded sense of a new beginning.

31-year-old Tom Booker spent more than he anticipated on the coat, which makes him feel like a different person.

He said: “As soon as I saw the coat I was like ‘that’s the one’.’

“I’ll get new shoes to go with it. New shirt. Maybe a Rolex or fake Rolex.

“I’ll ask out the receptionist in work and she’ll say yes and then I’ll demand that my boss gives me a massive raise and also his car keys.’

“Then I’ll drive around town in his BMW, listening to loud drum and bass, proud in the fact that I am a man of wealth and taste.”

Returning home that evening, Booker removed the coat, turned on his computer and sat watching season two of The Wire on Netflix for the third time while eating some pasta.

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Voters to get WW2-style propaganda

BRITONS are to receive crude 1940s-style propaganda from the Conservative party.

Households will receive information on how their tax is spent in the form of a leaflet showing an ape-like skinhead wearing a baseball hat labelled BENEFITS CLAIMANT eating a large piece of pie with YOUR MONEY written on it.

David Cameron said: “It’s impossible to make an informed decision in the election if you don’t have the right information, such as knowing that voting Labour could give you syphilis.

“So to help voters understand issues such as Labour’s taxation plans, we are producing posters like ‘VOTE LABOUR, GET A THIEF!’, which depicts Ed Balls stealing an elderly couple’s savings while Ed Miliband creeps up behind them with an iron bar.”

However Cameron admitted that a poster depicting Nigel Farage as a toad-like golf club drunkard surrounded by sycophantic racists had actually increased UKIP support.