A US president’s suggestion that Ireland should reunify as soon as possible would have triggered riots, terrorism and political crisis if he were not a shite-spouting halfwit. 

In any other circumstances than the president being a gaga eejit with no idea what he is even saying as it dribbles out of his mendacious mouth, the statement would have caused a major diplomatic row and significant unrest.

Taioseach Micheál Martin said: “Even the paramilitaries are calling bullshit on this one.

“Imagine if a proper president had said it. It would spark sectarian violence, angry disavowals from politicians, Andy Burnham desperately trying to calm things down. I mean, Belfast. It’s any excuse to throw a petrol bomb up there.

“But thankfully both sides were able to take into account this was nothing more than the ravings of an addled old man on a golf jolly and of no more import than a drunk mumbling in the corner of a Doonbeg bar.”

Emma Little-Pengelly of the DUP said: “And the way he said it? ‘One of the naturals of all time is to put them together’? Are we sure he wasn’t thinking of Sydney Sweeney’s diddies?”