Scotland ‘needs another Waitrose’

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

They might learn some manners as well

The third-world country currently has just four branches of the delightful supermarket leading to a chronic shortage of fresh, organic scrumminess.

Scientists at Oxford University said if Scottish people had just one more Waitrose, the average lifespan for a man could reach 33 within a decade.

Dr Helen Archer said: “There would also be lots of knock-on benefits currently enjoyed by nice English people, such as knowing when an avocado is just right.

“And with some concentration and a bit of homework a typical Scottish housewife could soon learn to cope with the existence of olive oil.”

She added: “Then they would be like us and we could have them in our houses.”

Waitrose maintains four branches in Scotland serving the least dangerous parts of Edinburgh and Glasgow where many of the local customers have become so devoted to the shop that they have almost learned to talk properly.

Bill McKay, from Glasgow, said: “I just love the plumpness and freshness of these free-range, corn-fed poussin.

“None o’ yer fuckin’ Tesco pish.”