Scottish drinkers can now only buy Frosty Jack's with Bitcoin

IF YOU want to buy a bottle of Frosty Jack’s cider in Scotland you can now only pay for it using Bitcoin, it has been confirmed.

A Scottish government spokesman said: “We’ve never used Bitcoin but it sounds really complicated, so it’s a great way to deter problem drinkers. You’re not going to download a special browser or whatever just to get leathered.

“Actually you might do, it depends how determined you are I suppose.”

Sparkling cider fan Roy Hobbs said: “My life went to shit a few years back after my wife left and I lost my job and then I started drinking myself into oblivion.

“And now to top it off I’ve got to figure out how to use peer-to-peer transactions that are verified through network nodes and cryptography.

“If the bloke who came up with that hadn’t been drinking Frosty Jack’s then I’d be very surprised.”

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Kanye claims Boosts are best chocolate bar

RAPPER and dickhead Kanye West has claimed Cadbury’s Boost is the best chocolate bar of all time.

West, who is known for his argumentative manner and deliberately antagonistic opinions, claims Boosts are the greatest chocolate bar even though intelligent people know they are claggy and difficult to chew.

He said: “Fuck Wispas, fuck Mars Bars and fuck those wafer-ass Kinder Buenos. I’m all about Boosts.

“I like a very dense chocolate bar that practically pulls your teeth out with each bite, and I like how the Boost’s exterior ripple effect makes it look like a human shit.

“I know people will hate on me for saying this but I am a genius and I know chocolate like nobody else on this planet.”

West also claimed that Jaws 3 is better than Jaws ‘because it’s in 3D’ and that hedgehogs do not really exist.