Ask a Brexit doctor: Liam Fox answers your health questions

BELIEVE it or not, I am a real doctor and when I’m not negotiating superb trade deals I like to keep my hand in. Here I reply to your health queries.

Felicity from Crewe asks: I recently became dangerously ill after eating cashews and my GP says all the evidence points to a nut allergy. What do you think?

Dr Fox replies: Felicity, if we all listened to ‘evidence’ there’d be no Brexit! Eat as many nuts as you like and don’t listen to the doomsayers.

Ben from Putney asks: Do I need any injections before going on holiday in Europe?

Dr Fox replies: In my opinion every British citizen needs to be inoculated against the sickness of the evil European superstate with a large dose of Hard Brexit! On a more practical note, get a tetanus jab.

Linda from St Ives asks: I’ve been diagnosed with a degenerative eye condition but I am scared of having surgery. What should I do?

Dr Fox replies: I’m not an eye expert, Linda, but who needs experts? Try reducing your caffeine intake and, if all else fails, do some stretching exercises.

Rachel from Leeds asks: I’ve recently started having panic attacks in which I become short of breath and just want to run out of the room. Do you have any advice?

Dr Fox replies: This happens to me whenever I think about all those trade deals I haven’t done. I find the best cure is a large amount of expensive wine in a luxury hotel.

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Family discovers 'will of the people' is terrible way to make decisions

A FAMILY of two adults and three small children is regretting putting all household decisions to a simple majority vote.

The Sheridans of Nottingham failed to realise the ‘will of the people’ would lead to problems such as their children deciding every meal should just be Haribos.

Mum Donna said: “I thought the kids were fairly sensible, but now my teeth have a constant coating of Haribo fur and my hair is falling out from malnutrition.

“With their slim majority they voted to stop going to school and now we’re being taken to court. On the upside, at least we’re going to Disneyland next month. And indeed every month until our money runs out.

“All the stress makes me want a big glass of wine, but Becky and the two boys cut a deal to spend the alcohol budget on My Little Pony crud, an iguana and two crossbows.”

However even the main beneficiaries of the new system have reservations. Six-year-old Liam said: “Me and Becky and Jack voted to have a massive bonfire with loads of petrol and fireworks and it burned the shed down and melted our bikes.

“Clearly this was Mummy and Daddy’s fault for opposing democracy. As punishment they will not be allowed to play with the pet chimp we’ve ordered.”