Sharp Fall In Wives Worth Having Sex With, Says Relate

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

According to the relationships charity Relate almost 86% of wives have now completely let themselves go, up from 73% only a decade ago.

Dr Bill Mckay, chief counsellor at Relate, said: "Yes, they can stay off the buns for a few months to get into a dress but as soon as that wedding ring goes on it’s cakey time again.

"Do you know how many calories there are in white wine? Lots, but not as many as there are stored round the middle of your average wife by the time she gets to 40.

"It would not be so bad if you could get away with a quick one, but all this foreplay and orgasm stuff, it’s a lot of hassle. It's not easy to keep going for three or four minutes non-stop at that age."

Relate said it is now advising men not to bother with marriage at all, and to instead treat women mean to keep them keen.

Dr McKay added: "Sit around the house, don’t help with the cleaning or the kids, go out with your mates when you feel like it and don’t say when you are coming back, and if you don't come back, don't say where you've been.

"If that doesn’t have them off the donuts and back on the scales in a pair of sussies and begging you for it in a week I’d be amazed."

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Your Problems Solved

Petula says: Dear Faithful,
Well spotted! Illicit mid-air hochmagandy does not count as a breach of your marriage vows, and nor does a bunk-up with a foreign waiter as long as you keep both your feet off the ground at all times. But beware! Standing on a dustbin round the back of the restaurant does not count! If you are determined to do it on home soil have a look at the notable dates section at the front of your Filofax. This lists all the days on which marriage vows do not apply. From memory there are about 11 a year. Hopefully these will be enough to keep you going for a while. Happy hoggins!

I started going out with this girl four months ago and things are really going well. We met when I was driving around a lot at night. I stopped the car, she got in, we went back to mine and she moved in right away. I felt really proud as she is a very popular girl who attracts a constant stream of gentleman callers. She is really nice and I love her deeply. Last night she sat me down and said she had a dark secret to confess, and told me that she had worked as a prostitute. I said not to worry, it was all in the past, and that I would stick by her. She said thanks but pointed out that I owed her £3,000. Is that right? It seems a bit steep.

Petula says: Dear Skint,
It may seem a bit steep but you have to factor in the amount of money you are saving in petrol and the fact that you do not have to take her out for dinner. Add in the fact that you have a face that would make a donkey sick and I think, all in all, you are getting a good deal. Nevertheless after receiving your letter I contacted Tracey on your behalf and she has agreed that if you block book and pay up front she will give you a 10% discount on the next four months.

I read in one of your recent columns that “being your own best friend” could be good for your sex life, and that self-pleasuring was in fact recommended to bring couples closer together in bed. Yet when I pulled out the old flesh rocket for a bit of five-digit disco in the girlfriend’s car the other day as we were heading round to her gran’s for tea she went mad! She called me a filthy pervert, despite the fact I wiped up the tiny bit of nut butter that did end up on her dashboard. Now she won’t have anything to do with me and my sex life is ruined. What were you thinking?

 Petula says: Dear Puzzled,
What were you thinking? It is one thing to tug the old trouser meat every now and again while being chauffered around the country by your better half; but you were on the way to her grans – for tea. Did you not suspect that the sight of your love custard might put your girlfriend off her impending cream fancy? Of course it is always good to let Willy know he’s wanted but there is a time and a place to punch the munchkin. Next time take the bus.

Let Petula solve your problems. Email your questions to [email protected]