EVERY Londoner is to receive extra tuck before evensong and be given vouchers to opt out of buggery, the city’s new mayor has pledged.
Boris Johnson said Londoners work jolly hard, what with Latin mocks coming up and eveything, and they should jolly well enjoy an extra bit of cake or a nice choccy biccy.
He also called on the city’s senior prefects to get a blooming girlfriend and stop using the first formers for their dirty bum fun.
The new mayor has set up his office in the corner of the senior common room and if you want to speak to him you’ll have to get a ticket from Speccy.
He will be at his desk Mondays and Thursdays, though not all day, because a chap does need a bit of cake and a glass of pop now and again or he’d flipping well keel over like some clapped-out Chinese Coolie.
And as for Tuesdays and Wednesdays, he’s got masses of Greek prep to get through, while on Friday he has constituency business in Henley.
Mr Johnson told a press conference at City Hall: “It must be flipping awful for the younger boys. Half of them can’t sit down. Get a magazine or something. Binty’s got stacks.
“And if that doesn’t work, go and see Matron and she’ll give you the name and address of a very nice woman in the village who’ll take a cheque.”