Sharp Fall In Wives Worth Having Sex With, Says Relate

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

By all means, have some more cake

According to the relationships charity Relate almost 86% of wives have now completely let themselves go, up from 73% only a decade ago.

Dr Bill Mckay, chief counsellor at Relate, said: "Yes, they can stay off the buns for a few months to get into a dress but as soon as that wedding ring goes on it’s cakey time again.

"Do you know how many calories there are in white wine? Lots, but not as many as there are stored round the middle of your average wife by the time she gets to 40.

"It would not be so bad if you could get away with a quick one, but all this foreplay and orgasm stuff, it’s a lot of hassle. It's not easy to keep going for three or four minutes non-stop at that age."

Relate said it is now advising men not to bother with marriage at all, and to instead treat women mean to keep them keen.

Dr McKay added: "Sit around the house, don’t help with the cleaning or the kids, go out with your mates when you feel like it and don’t say when you are coming back, and if you don't come back, don't say where you've been.

"If that doesn’t have them off the donuts and back on the scales in a pair of sussies and begging you for it in a week I’d be amazed."