PEOPLE who are not getting any sex are tired of hearing about the health benefits of lovemaking.
Multiple reports showing that sex has health benefits, including preventing cancer and stimulating brain growth, have been greeted with dismay by shagless people.
Office worker Stephen Malley said: Not only have I not had sex for three-and-a-half years, now Im going to get cancer and my brain is going to shrivel like a prune.
“Sex isn’t like salad, you can’t just decide to start having it. Well you can but visiting prostitutes four times a week has its own health implications.
“Can’t someone do a report about the health benefits of being addicted to internet pornography? Or the less positive aspects of relationships, like how your partner is the person mostly likely to murder you.”
Scientist Donna Sheridan said: The last thing we want is to cause concern to anyone who isnt in a sexual relationship.
“Theyve got enough to worry about with all the loneliness, near-unbearable frustration and living vicariously through soap opera characters.”