An open letter from Royal Mail

OVER the last few months, we’ve watched the popularity of open letters grow and grow.

From Sinead O’Connor to Roger Waters, it seems everyone wants supposedly one-on-one communications to be read by absolutely everybody then discussed at length in the newspapers.

Why, this very morning there’s a wonderfully entertaining open letter in The Times from Eleanor Shaw of Harrogate to her husband detailing exactly when, where and why she’s been having it off with the au pair.

But I’m afraid there is a big problem with this new craze for open letters: we don’t make any money from them.

If you’re pissed off with someone, send them a letter personally and get a chain of correspondence going. Maybe get some other family members or legal representatives mailing them poisonous notes, or send them a creepy dead animal via our excellent Parcelforce service.

“Not my problem,” you might be thinking. “After all, hasn’t Royal Mail been privatised?”

Well yes, of course we have. But don’t think for one second that our hand won’t be straight in the taxpayer’s pocket if our profits fall.

And you don’t want to make us angry. You know where the phrase ‘going postal’ comes from? Do you want to see Postman Pat with a shotgun in one hand and a ‘Sorry, you are fucking dead’ card in the other?

It’s time for you to re-acquaint yourselves with a little thing called an envelope. Write a letter, pop it in, put a stamp on while moaning about how much they cost these days and we’ll get it to the recipient the next day, or month or whenever.

Remember, we get up earlier than you and we know where you live.

Yours, Royal Mail.

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Our friends expect an obscene display of wealth

Dear Holly,

I’m getting married to my fiancée in May and she has left me to organise the whole wedding (for some reason it’s old hat to her). Everyone will be expecting an over-the-top, vulgar show of obscene wealth and distastefully decadent bling. However, I notice that the Travelodge near PC World in Staines is doing a really cheap deal on weddings just now which includes a double room plus a hot buffet and DJ for £399.99 and it seems crazy to pass it up. What should I do?

Kanye West

Los Angeles

Dear Kanye,

Whatever you choose for your wedding, just don’t show off because it could get you killed. A girl in my class, Katie Basset, has a rich dad who paid for the ultimate birthday party for her. There was a circus and an ice rink, and Duncan from Blue turned up to sing happy birthday to her. Problem was, Katie wanted to impress as many people as possible, so as well as all her rich pals, she also invited us plebs, who started a stampede when word went out that there were iPods in the party bags. Thankfully Katie only suffered minor spinal injuries and a broken nose. Perhaps next time she’ll stick to boxes of Smarties.

Hope that helps!