WHEN doctors prescribe fluids and rest, they mean consuming lager in a horizontal position. Not this nonsense hippies try to convince you will do a better job:
For a sore throat, Manuka honey
Manuka honey is infused with a special extra word on the label which endows it with the property of costing fifty quid a jar. A lie down and a few cans, however, numb your throat so completely you can even manage a few bong hits. Now that’s medicine.
For nausea, peppermint aromatherapy
Some people claim a minty smell stops them feeling queasy. But they’ve never heard of the common-sense medical treatment of ‘better out than in’. A tactical chunder is a necessary part of the beer/bedrest combo and you’ll feel much better for it.
For anxiety, St John’s Wort
Why eat bits of flowers to calm down, when a lovely comforting drink will do the same thing without all the fuss of going to Holland & Barrett? Sure, it’ll postpone your anxiety at best and you’ll wake up at 5am in a nervous sweat, but that’s what the rest of the cans are for.
For headaches, gluten-free oats
It’s possible that migraine is being caused by a previously undiscovered gluten allergy, but then necking six Stellas usually leads to you inhaling half the contents of a Greggs and your body seems to be able to tolerate that no trouble.
For high blood pressure, garlic capsules
A few milligrams here and there might well regulate blood pressure. But better to tackle the problem at its source and soothe that stress with a view of the TV rotated 90 degrees, complete with yeasty burps. Save the garlic for Dracula.
For constipation, senna tea
This plant compound could very well give digestive relief. But the morning after a night drinking Stellas sideways? You get the picture.
