STARTING a punch-up is usually a bad idea caused by drink and an unresolved relationship with your father. But these slights cannot be ignored:
Crisps at the cinema
Some f**kers can’t get through a two-hour film without stuffing their pig faces. That’s regrettably accepted. But crisps? Onion-stinking crunchy crisps? That’s a human rights violation and it’s entirely reasonable for you to reach over the seats and twat them in.
Sitting in your reserved seat
Trains are shit enough already. But when some wanker is ensconced in your reserved seat and refuses to move? You will not be forced to waddle back down the aisle like a luggage-draped duck, so they better piss off or you’ll wedge them in the luggage rack like a Tetris piece.
Taking your wheelie bin
You’ve had your house number etched on your wheelie bin to eliminate any doubt that this is your refuse receptacle. Nobody else should even touch it, but that arsehole at number 44 has dragged it onto their drive leaving you with their identical but inferior one. Which means war.
To Britain, queueing is more sacred than the monarch’s nipples. There’s no excuse for not taking your allotted place in line. If anyone tries, even if it’s your 98-year-old grandmother, brain them with the fold-out stool you brought to be part of an orderly, peaceful queue.
Blocking your drive
It doesn’t matter if you needed to get your car out or not. Blocking your drive is unforgiveable. Even the Pope would drop the holier-than-thou act and raise his fists at this provocation, and you best believe he’d kick serious arse.
You’re trying to remember your PIN at the cashpoint when some impatient bastard audibly tuts behind you. They might as well have spat right into your face. You’ll take as much time as you bloody need, once you’ve finished your own non-verbal act of violence.