A DOG whose owner prefers canine to human company has confirmed that he absolutely does not prefer humans to dogs.
Border collie Stewart is provided with food, shelter and companionship by owner Hannah Tomlinson but would never rank her or any other bipedal f**kwit over his own species.
He said: “Hannah’s always telling me I’m much better company than any human. And I absolutely agree.
“I don’t think she entirely realises that means I’d rather be sniffing a Jack Russell’s arse than spending time with her, but I don’t give a shit.
“Humans are awful. They do stuff like start wars and send passive aggressive emails. I once saw a man break up with his girlfriend by introducing her to his wife. That’s brutal even to me, and yesterday I chased a swan onto a dual carriageway.
“I’m not convinced she’s so into dogs anyway. She didn’t seem that pleased when I tore up four cushions because I was bored – not stressed, bored – and she never wants to watch me lick my balls.”
Tomlinson said: “Other humans are insufferable shits but doggos are pure little angels. Just look at Stewart growling at that Shih Tzu then pissing on that bench. Such an admirable species.”