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Dog whose owner prefers dogs to people also prefers dogs to people

A DOG whose owner prefers canine to human company has confirmed that he absolutely does not prefer humans to dogs. 

Border collie Stewart is provided with food, shelter and companionship by owner Hannah Tomlinson but would never rank her or any other bipedal f**kwit over his own species.

He said: “Hannah’s always telling me I’m much better company than any human. And I absolutely agree.

“I don’t think she entirely realises that means I’d rather be sniffing a Jack Russell’s arse than spending time with her, but I don’t give a shit.

“Humans are awful. They do stuff like start wars and send passive aggressive emails. I once saw a man break up with his girlfriend by introducing her to his wife. That’s brutal even to me, and yesterday I chased a swan onto a dual carriageway.

“I’m not convinced she’s so into dogs anyway. She didn’t seem that pleased when I tore up four cushions because I was bored – not stressed, bored – and she never wants to watch me lick my balls.”

Tomlinson said: “Other humans are insufferable shits but doggos are pure little angels. Just look at Stewart growling at that Shih Tzu then pissing on that bench. Such an admirable species.”

Six nerd gateway drugs that ruined your life

YOU thought you could handle it. But one fateful day you got too nerdy and have been condemned to dweebhood ever since. Here’s how it all went wrong.

2000AD

Unlike normal, healthy comics which focused on orphan ballerinas and the mass-murder of Germans, you got into 2000AD. Yes it was gory, yes it was funny, but it put you on the deviant path of Tharg, Judge Death, and Sam Slade, Robo-Hunter. The inevitable effects soon followed: spots, glasses and bad hair, none of which are ‘zarjaz’.

Being good at maths

One day you experienced the incredible rush of 100 per cent in a maths test. You became hooked on the buzz of solving quadratic equations. You lost your normal friends and ended up doing pure maths at uni. There were no women on your course and you didn’t even think that was a bad thing.

Doctor Who

Most kids watched it. But you started reading the novels, learning way too much about the planet Mondas, getting hooked on fanzines with Tegan on the cover. When it was cancelled you got your fix from audiobooks. Now you grimly watch Jodie and her ‘fam’ every Sunday, even though, like any addiction, you hate it and what it’s done to you.

The Hobbit 

The Hobbit led to Lord of the Rings which led to Dungeons & Dragons which led to Warhammer 40,000. Untreated, it can lead to full-blown LARPing in later life, with the addict running around woods outside Milton Keynes dressed as a rather unconvincing orc.

Computers

Not a sociable game of FIFA 22 like nowadays, but hardcore 80s home computing. This involved typing endless POKEs in to cheat, and you once spent 72 hours mining asteroids in Elite when your parents were away for the weekend and you could have had a party and got laid.

Dune

Today’s cinemagoers are unaware of the damaging effects of Dune on the adolescent brain. The ultimate nerd book, with ridiculous spellings like ‘Muad’Dib’, overblown, portentous dialogue and geeky appendices about the ecosystem of Arrakis. And of course several hefty sequels where the sex gets weird.