GETTING lucky? Need to set the mood? Don’t include these tracks if you don’t want your coitus interrupted:
Tubular Bells, Part One by Mike Oldfield
Side one of Mike Oldfield’s instrumental classic is groundbreaking progressive rock without any distasteful or intrusive lyrics, but will bring your scheduled missionary sex to an early close because thoughts of The Exorcist are a real boner-killer. Even if you get past that, the track’s 25mins 30secs and you can only last 4mins 22secs.
Sex Bomb by Tom Jones and Mousse T
Any song with ‘sex’ in the title should work, right? No. Hearing Tom Jones croon lyrics like ‘this bomb’s for lovin’ and you can shoot it far’ will make you and your partner immediately halt intercourse, get dressed in shameful silence, then embark on a life of celibacy.
Beethoven’s Symphony No 9
This 1824 banger contains Ode To Joy, and the main dude from A Clockwork Orange got his rocks off to that in fast forward so it must be a musical aphrodisiac. The sexy bit doesn’t start until a good 40 minutes in though and there’s no way you’ve got the stamina.
High For This by The Weeknd
Undoubtedly made for f**king and sounds like it was made while f**king, so in theory a perfect choice. But as with all rappers contains much braggadocio and ego-tripping, and your own efforts will stutter to a halt because he’s doing it on crazy drugs in a Toronto penthouse and you’re doing it on Blossom Hill in a Kettering semi-detached.
The Birdie Song by The Tweets
The experts say laughter boosts your sex life, but don’t take that logic to the point of chucking on this 1981 novelty hit. Imagine if your partner actually got turned on by this and you had to listen to it every time you bumped uglies. Even furries would call that weird.
Anything your college band recorded
Seems like a clever way to show off your musical prowess to your lover, but then you’re trying to focus on foreplay while listening to a tinny recording of an angsty ballad you wrote about getting dumped. You’d be better off making out something arousing instead like the BBC shipping forecast or radio static.