THE Queen missed yesterday’s Remembrance Day parade because she had sprained her back dragging soiled mattresses into a lay-by, it has emerged.
Her Majesty, who has recovered from the cold she picked up while working as a security guard on a building site, was expected to attend the ceremony but injured her back while wrestling crap out of a van.
A spokesman said: “Her Majesty was making an unofficial visit to Stoke-on-Trent with her equerry to dump a load of shit they’d found in a garage in Windsor Castle, because she has a hooky consignment of 2,500 novelty mooning Santas arriving and needs the space.
“She identified a lay-by those sneaky twats at the council have yet to put a camera in and she and Gav proceeded to park up to get it all out of there toot f**king sweet before the pigs came.
“Unfortunately she was unaware the mattress, which was in a right state and stank of urine, was trapped beneath a rusted, broken cement mixer and when she gave it a yank her back just went.
“She has been in agony ever since and will be laid up for the next fortnight. Or the next six weeks, according to her claim for incapacity benefit.”
A wreath was laid on her behalf by her son, the Prince of Wales, who was visibly tired after a late night running an unlicenced burger van on the A120 near Stanstead Airport.