Queen does back in fly-tipping

THE Queen missed yesterday’s Remembrance Day parade because she had sprained her back dragging soiled mattresses into a lay-by, it has emerged. 

Her Majesty, who has recovered from the cold she picked up while working as a security guard on a building site, was expected to attend the ceremony but injured her back while wrestling crap out of a van.

A spokesman said: “Her Majesty was making an unofficial visit to Stoke-on-Trent with her equerry to dump a load of shit they’d found in a garage in Windsor Castle, because she has a hooky consignment of 2,500 novelty mooning Santas arriving and needs the space.

“She identified a lay-by those sneaky twats at the council have yet to put a camera in and she and Gav proceeded to park up to get it all out of there toot f**king sweet before the pigs came.

“Unfortunately she was unaware the mattress, which was in a right state and stank of urine, was trapped beneath a rusted, broken cement mixer and when she gave it a yank her back just went.

“She has been in agony ever since and will be laid up for the next fortnight. Or the next six weeks, according to her claim for incapacity benefit.”

A wreath was laid on her behalf by her son, the Prince of Wales, who was visibly tired after a late night running an unlicenced burger van on the A120 near Stanstead Airport.

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How to bugger it all up when you're actually on time

ARE you actually set to arrive on time for once in your life? Here’s how to f**k yourself over just before you cross the finish line:

Try a new route

As you’ve got extra seconds to spare, this is the moment to test a short-cut through back roads or a different combination of tube lines. Or simply get cocky and disregard Google Maps for your own sense of direction. You’ll soon be so late you’re running and texting apologies at the same time.

Stop for refreshments

You can be in and out of Costa in no time, you kid yourself. But this visit isn’t the Formula One pit-stop you’d planned, with a queue, a new barista, and a malfunctioning expresso machine. By the time you’ve choked down your disappointing pecan Danish and grabbed your coffee you’re gulping it at high speed.

Make a call

You’re basking in extra time so surely this is the perfect time to catch up with an old pal or squeeze in a quick marital argument. Before you know it you’ll be hovering outside your destination, ten minutes late, desperately trying to end a chat with your mother.

Pop to a shop

You never have time to get anything so, as you’re a full two minutes ahead of schedule, why not pop into Flying Tiger or try on shoes you don’t want or need? That way you’re wasting money as well as time, and arrive late with shopping bags making it obvious why! Professional.

Turn to social media

You are a late person who’s on time for once – if that’s not worth posting on social media, what the hell is? All those old work colleagues and primary school friends who can’t quite remember why they follow you will be fascinated on their morning scroll. Three likes justify being late for that crucial job interview.