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Six conditions your teenager's diagnosed themselves with after five minutes on social media

ONE of the key milestones in any teenager’s life is discovering digital hypochondria. Here are the first six things they’ll diagnose themselves with:

ADHD

Thank you, random American lady on TikTok, for showing the teens of the world that getting distracted by your phone is enough for a solid self-diagnosis of ADHD. She’s now going to prove it to them by making lots more distracting videos they can watch on their phones.

Dyslexia

They were actually screened for it at school but don’t remember. Luckily Instagram is more reliable than official tests by an educational psychologist, and it turns out that misspelling the odd word is full-blown dyslexia. It’s definitely not the result of reading illiterate shite on the internet all day. How could you be so ignorant about their serious condition?

Lactose intolerance

Stop laughing, take them seriously. They just heard one of their favourite vloggers talking about this and it would make so much sense. Don’t you remember that they felt a bit sick and bloated after they ate that entire tub of ice cream?

Every mental illness

Mental illness is a serious issue among teens, but there are subtle clues that their Facebook diagnosis might be be wrong. These include having every condition from schizophrenia to ostraconophobia simultaneously, and at least two being fictional psychic abilities such as premonitions and telepathy, more usually known to affect groups like the Jedi community.

Anaemia

Your teen read a Twitter thread about how monthly iron loss causes the condition, and they’ve decided it’s affecting them because why else would they be so tired? (A: Playing FIFA at 2am.) Naturally he didn’t read the original thread properly so doesn’t realise it was about periods, but actually that’s just more evidence for his ADHD.

Munchausen by proxy

They may have only got 30 seconds into a YouTube video on this one, but they are already certain that they not only have it, but are dying of it. They haven’t really thought that one through.

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Princess Diana's guide to the Coronation

WHO better to help with your Coronation celebrations than Princess Diana, Queen of Hearts? Here are some tips from the former Royal everyone would much rather be watching on Saturday.

Stock up on drinks in advance 

I’d recommend doing a shop for wine and beer today. The Coronation coverage starts early tomorrow, and the last thing you want is for Big Ears and his horse-faced shag to pop up on TV without a drink to take the edge off.

Should you make a Coronation Quiche?

I’d say ‘no’ on the entirely reasonable grounds that they sound f**king disgusting. I mean, spinach, green beans and cheese? It’s no wonder the Royals have got £21 billion stashed away if they’re too tight to splash out on an M&S quiche. If I was becoming Queen, which I know you’d all prefer, I’d insist on something decent like Coronation tandoori mixed grill.

Don’t miss the Household Cavalry

I’ve always had a certain fondness for this historic regiment, possibly due to shagging Major James Hewitt. The bastard sold my personal letters afterwards, but I’m prepared to let that slide. Yes, I love the Household Cavalry, who helped win the Battle of Waterloo and are, in my experience, better in bed than some weirdo husband who prefers talking to his plants to giving his hot young wife one. Naming no names, obviously.

When to say your pledge of loyalty

This has confused a lot of people, but don’t worry! During the ceremony, the Archbishop of Canterbury will give everyone a clear prompt. It’s that simple. Of course, you might not want to promise to lay down your life for a man whose only contribution to humanity is making posh biscuits no one buys. Just putting that out there.

Make your own Coronation playlist

Let’s face it, the music is going to be shit, so when boring old Westminster Abbey choir come on I’m just going to put Seven and the Ragged Tiger on my Sony Walkman. Katy Perry should be okay later on, but Charles doesn’t like pop music so he’ll have to look enthusiastic while hating every minute. Ha. Good.

Should you organise a street party? 

Sadly you’ve run out of time to give the council the required 4-12 weeks notice and, if you intend to charge for alcohol, apply for a Temporary Events Notice. But there’s nothing to stop you having a party in your garden and inviting the neighbours. Just bear in mind it’s going to be a much less popular occasion than, say, the 1981 Royal Wedding, so don’t buy loads of sausage rolls unless you’ve got a chest freezer or a dog. 

Stave off boredom by reminding yourself it’s a historic event

I found that helped me get through quite a few ballsaching Royal events. And in a way it is quite historical. With the Queen gone, Andrew’s unsavoury antics and hours of ridiculous medieval cosplay, I doubt people are going to be watching this bollocks for much longer.

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