Six f**king obvious questions anti-maskers really need to ask

IF wearing a mask is fascist government oppression, what is it meant to achieve? Here are the questions anti-maskers avoid asking: 

What’s the overall point?

Getting people to wear a mask means you’ve cleverly tricked them into wearing a thin face covering. They are now your obedient puppets who can be made to do anything, so long as it’s wearing a thin face covering. It’s not exactly The Manchurian Candidate.

Are masks really oppression?

Covering your face in Tesco isn’t a classic symptom of life under tyranny. O’Brien didn’t threaten to pop a lightweight cloth mask on Winston Smith in Nineteen Eighty-Four. It’s only useful as an instrument of terror if you can’t imagine anything worse than your glasses misting up.

Cui bono?

Who profits? Well, Tory cronies have cashed in on dodgy PPE, test-and-trace, and so on. Pretty disgusting, but worth the expense, hassle and unpopularity of a fake pandemic? No. It’s like faking your own death to avoid a 45-minute Skype chat with your in-laws.

Is Covid really no worse than flu?

If Covid doesn’t either exist or is no worse than ‘the Spanish flu’, as dickheads suggest, who’s killing so many people? Thanos? Why are 1.4 million NHS workers lying about it? Who’s orchestrating this global conspiracy, and why do you imagine you’re intelligent enough to see through it?

Is the New World Order really involved?

More to the point, is there any evidence the New World Order exists? Which world leaders are keen to give up power to a single world government? Boris Johnson? Jair Bolsonaro? Xi Jinping? None of them can even agree on bloody climate change.

Why do anti-maskers keep getting Covid?

Attending protests unmasked and unvaccinated seem to result in symptoms exactly like Covid. Perhaps Mossad are using low-frequency sound generators to replicate fake Covid. Or the government has engineered and released a real virus to cover up their fake virus. Yes. That makes sense. You should wear a mask.

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Too cold not to have sex, couple begrudgingly admit

A COUPLE who have avoided sex for months have reluctantly agreed that the wintery weather leaves them no choice.

Will McKay and wife Joanna have successfully made it through spring, summer and autumn before plunging temperatures brought them within inches of their first shag in almost nine months.

Joanna explained: “He rolled over towards me and instead of pushing him away out of habit, I actually – grudgingly – appreciated the warmth.

“I pulled him closer, even. Next thing I knew, we were very nearly possibly considering getting it on like a couple of horny, shivering teenagers.

“If the weather continues like this, it’s days not weeks before we engage in full intercourse, which is a shame because we’re close to a new record. And what if I enjoy it?”

Will agreed: “We’ll cave in eventually. It happens every year. But in the long run it’d be more efficient to invest in a higher tog duvet. That way we could make it to December, maybe even early January.

“Just to make it clear, I’m absolutely not going to leave the heating on at night. I’d rather have sex 365 days a year than that.”