Average woman feels guilty about 327 things every 24 hours

THE average woman feels guilty approximately 327 times every 24 hours or 13.62 time every hour, new research has found. 

The waves of guilt, which begin before waking, continue all day and keep women sleeping at night, can be about anything from minor oversights at work to failing to send a thank-you card to a now-deceased aunt in 1992.

Emma Bradford of Horsham said: “Yesterday I was wracked with guilt about the kids having cold fingers and toes, so I turned the heating up then felt guilty about climate change.

“Then I went to a local shop that sells locally-grown food, to make up for it, but felt guilty about driving there, then felt guilty about the packaging so used it to plant seeds, then felt guilty I’d watered them with water from the tap when I should have collected rainwater.

“After that I felt guilty about buggering about with seeds instead of sorting out my personal finances or spending quality time with the kids or mending my relationship with my sister, which has been in a bad way for 22 years.

“I tried to stop feeling guilty and have some me time so I sat and read the Guardian, which left me utterly wracked with guilt about everything that my white, privileged existence has done to marginalised groups, other countries, society and all life on Earth.

“I know feeling guilty is a total waste of time. But this just makes me feel more guilty.”

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Advice on booster rollout boils down to 'just f**king get it'

THE advice of scientists in regard to receiving a Covid vaccination booster can be summed up as ‘just f**king get it’.

The many variables involved in receiving a booster, including age and pre-existing conditions, can be ignored by most people because they boil down to ‘just f**king get it when you’re told and stop bloody whingeing’, according to the UK’s vaccine advisory body.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Do you need to know the ins and outs of how we’re getting more doses into people’s arms? No. Just turn up when you get invited, sit in a chair and let someone jab you. It’s not f**king hard.

“We’ll explain to the prime minister how the booster scheme will work with the help of glove puppets, but honestly this is just a professional courtesy. We’re going to go ahead with it anyway even if he doesn’t understand it, which he won’t.

“Do you ask for the manufacturer of your tetanus jab? Do you weigh up different antibiotics when you’ve got an ear infection? No. So stop pissing us about with this.

“All you need to know is: we’ve made a miracle drug, we’re giving it to you for free, and it doesn’t track your movements through microchips. That’s what your phone’s for.”

She added: “Oh yeah, and wear a mask. Otherwise people will think you’re one of the Piers Corbyn mob.”