Six great things to do while you're waiting 15 hours for an ambulance

By the Department of Health

THE NHS is so good under the Tories that people can’t wait to go into hospital. That means there might be a wait for a ride in an ambulance. Here are some fun ways to fill the time.

Board games 

A few games of Operation will get you in the mood for major surgery. It’s actually how most surgeons learn their trade. Alternatively a long, engrossing game of Monopoly will take your mind off a burst appendix. Just don’t get so involved you forget there’s an ambulance outside and bleed to death. 

Start a business

What could be more Tory than becoming an entrepreneur thanks to NHS cuts designed to make everyone so unhappy with the service they can’t wait for private health insurance? And who knows, a few years down the line you could be sunning yourself on a £10 million yacht after supplying the NHS with unfit-for-purpose kit, eg. respirators that suck your lungs out.

Catch up on your streaming shows

If you’re anything like us you still haven’t finished Succession! A long wait for an ambulance means you can finish The Rings of Power without feeling guilty about starting The Peripheral. If you’re in a lot of pain, pretend it’s futuristic immersive TV and you’re suffering from a sword wound.

Make a start on that screenplay

We’ve all meant to sit down and write our film or TV script, but real life always gets in the way. An open fracture or breathing difficulties means you’ve got 15 whole hours of ‘me time’ to focus on your masterwork. And it provides you with loads of material: a race to hospital, gory injuries, heroic paramedics, medical jargon, NHS staff cracking up. Just hope it’s not too life-or-death or you won’t be starting episode 2.

Do a medical degree

Sadly, 15 hours isn’t enough to become a doctor, but you could become a fully-qualified reiki consultant. However if you have a life-threatening long-term illness requiring constant emergency admissions it’s entirely doable. Buy some medical textbooks and in a few years you’ll be earning a fortune and able to treat yourself the moment you start getting agonising pain. 

Dream about meeting your true NHS love

Thanks to what psychologists call ‘transference’, when you finally get to hospital you’ll instantly fall in love with anyone who might ease the worsening pain. It might be a handsome paramedic, a sexy doctor like Jac from Holby City, or a wheezing 60-year-old porter on 60 fags a day. It’s such a great new NHS service we should start charging for it. And we will.

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Five musicians who are f**king raking it in at this time of year

CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill to all men and massive pay cheques for certain musicians, such as these.

Noddy Holder

The undisputed king of festive songs. The Slade frontman’s joyous klaxon-like scream that Christmas has arrived is probably only outdone by his raucous ‘ker-ching’ when the royalty statement lands on the doormat. It’s a gravy chain that’s sure to last forever, unless future generations find a reason to cancel him, which given that he’s a 70s celebrity isn’t exactly off the cards.

Mariah Carey

The tinkling intro and opening warble of All I Want for Christmas Is You have you trained to start salivating over mince pies like a dog with Pavlovian conditioning, if Pavlov had been a pioneer of Christmas schmaltz. Just like climate change, this exhausting song is a permanent, miserable part of everyone’s life. The only person benefiting from it is Mariah Carey, which is just as well because she hasn’t had a hit in a few decades.

Roy Wood

One-time Wizzard frontman Roy Wood has surely been living off I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday since 1973. Especially since he topped up his coffers by churning out a new live version and a tedious cover featuring the Wombles. Imagine still getting paid a fortune for a piece of work you did 50 years ago. That’s the dream.

Michael Bublé

A relative newcomer to the scene, but your mum’s favourite wanking material has already got the Christmas song market in a headlock by releasing a full album stuffed with festive tunes. An easy money spinner for the Canadian crooner. He could get a soundalike to grind through the cover versions while watching his bank balance explode.

Shane MacGowan

Not even the inclusion of a lyric that people pretend to be offended about can dent Fairytale of New York’s popularity. Arguably the best Christmas song of all time, this Irish folk-style pop ballad must make Shane MacGowan a multi-millionaire on an annual basis. Luckily we know he’ll spend it wisely. He’s probably on his Peloton right now.