England sure to win whole thing now they've qualified from piss-easy group

ENGLAND are guaranteed to come home with the World Cup now they have beaten two minor teams in a piss-easy group, fans have agreed.

Following victories against Iran and Wales and a nil-nil draw with the USA, England’s destiny is now to storm absolutely every game and hold the Jules Rimet trophy aloft for the first time since 1966.

Fan Josh Gardner said: “Overconfident? Not at all. I’ve simply observed the facts and drawn the obvious conclusions.

“To wit that now we’ve got Foden on and Rashford’s back to his goalscoring best we’ll breeze past Senegal, who fluked qualifying, then sweep aside either Argentina or France because we’re back to our imperious best.

“The other side of the draw’s weak as f**k so whoever we meet in the semis is doomed. I hope it’s not Ronaldo for his sake. He deserves a better ending than getting tonked six-nil.

“And then the final, which we’ll win based purely on statistics. Semi-final 2018, final 2021, win in final 2022. I’ve done it on a graph. It’s a straight line upward.”

He added: “There’s only the slimmest chance we don’t, in which case it’s all the fault of that f**king useless prick Southgate.”

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Elon Musk defenders, and the world's other saddest fanboys

ARE you a brainwashed follower of some of the worst people in the world, parasitically leeching off their dubious success? Here are some truly tragic fanbases. 

Elon Musk stans

Yes, he has a lot of money. No, he won’t give any of it to you. He made some good investments, which is why he’s got billions to waste on colonising the airless Hell of Mars. But he’s not a heroic Ayn Rand superman, he’s a whiny little shit, which is why he called those scuba diving rescuers ‘pedos’ on Twitter, the phenomenally popular website everyone hates now.

Young Conservatives

These twats forgo experimenting with drugs or losing their virginity, preferring to spend their time worshipping and campaigning for MPs that look like Dickensian ghosts. Go and talk to a real girl – not Andrea Leadsom at an anti-EU fringe meeting – and see if it makes you grow out of hating the NHS. Dressing like bank managers and country squires aged 17 is pretty sad too.

Game of Thrones enthusiasts

You watch every second, but the TV series isn’t as good as the 900-page doorstops you call books. You’re still furious about season eight. Genuinely furious, like you could flip out and kill someone who innocently says: ‘Has it got hobbits in it?’ Look, care about the family trees of dragons all you want, you just need to understand that nobody else gives a flying f**k.

Reply guys

Who hasn’t dreamt of a beautiful celebrity noticing and falling in love with us, so reply with alacrity to every Taylor Swift or Florence Pugh tweet. However, the odds of this already fantastical event happening are significantly reduced by your chosen method of romancing them – hundreds of unfunny, unsolicited, stalkerish comments on every single post.

Sneaker heads

Trainers are cool, so collecting them is, in theory, not as loser-ish as collecting dusty old coins or endangered birds’ eggs. But that’s before you’ve seen the state of the kicks they’re spending their life savings on. All kept immaculate in plastic coatings, of course. Nothing says ‘cool’ like being petrified of getting dirt on your shoe.

Chelsea fans

Going on the rampage because your little boys in blue won/lost is perhaps the saddest fanboy behaviour of all. Start following a sport not known for physical violence, such as dressage. Not badminton though. As soon as the last shuttlecock has wafted over the net, the ultra-violent badminton ‘firms’ start carving each other up with Stanley knives.