The gammon's guide to finding out Christians are in a minority

LESS than half of people in Britain now identify as Christian. Here red-faced Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains how to cope with being a minority when you normally hate them.

Pretend you’ve always been religious

Britain is a Christian country. Woke types pretend Jesus was a Jew who lived in the Middle East, but things were always getting translated wrongly in the olden days. ‘Jesus of Nazareth’ was probably ‘Jesus of Norwich’. Like all real Britons, I’m passionate about Christianity. It’s just that Sunday is a bad time for church because it clashes with going to B&Q.

Claim it’s all Muslims’ fault

If people aren’t Christians, then some other religion must be taking over. I can’t imagine who, but maybe it’s Muslims. The mosques on the telly always look busy, so that confirms it. What do you mean the census says Muslims have only increased by 1.7 per cent? That’s not many, especially once you deduct all the suicide bombers. Who else can I blame?

Get even angrier with lefty liberal atheists

The other lot destroying this once-great country are lefty liberals who call themselves atheists to sound clever. They’ve literally made me a minority in my own country, but I don’t see atheists sending a diversity officer round to give me a free flat. Also how do they know God doesn’t exist? Been to every bit of outer space to check he’s not there, have they? Idiots.

Under no circumstances feel any empathy

You’d think that as a minority I might be able to put myself in the shoes of other races or the LGBTQ community. But if I started not hating all the mad mullahs and gender benders I couldn’t enjoy being angry all the time. I’m all for ‘love thy neighbour’, but in the sitcom sense, ie. having a good laugh at anyone who isn’t white.

Still never go to church

Does this mean I’ll start going to church? Let’s face it, listening to some bloke – or, worse, some hysterical woman – droning on about casting the first stone is boring when you could be ranting about the latest attack on us white Christians in the Mail on Sunday. I’ll go for weddings, funerals and Christmas, and only then if I’m guaranteed a free mince pie or a sausage roll.

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Wales vs England like brothers fighting over bunk-beds

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed. 

All other World Cup countries are politely going along with assertions this evening’s clash is of great significance rather than an embarrassing scuffle between a pair of inbred pricks who should know better.

French fan Jacques Moulin said: “Obviously England is the big brother, and the bully, and the one who believes he is the big man though his arse is often handed to him.

“But it is hard to find much sympathy for Wales either, because they are so whiny and nothing is ever fair and it’s not their fault they only have one player who has spent four years not playing football.

“When you start your pathetic fight, rolling on the floor and scratching and settling old grudges, we do not care who wins. We only feel ashamed to witness the unedifying spectacle.

“When it has finished and one of you wins and gets the top bunk and the other one kicks from below and the light is turned out, the talk is not of how well the winner did. It is wishing you both grow the f**k up.”

England fan Nathan Muir said: “Yeah but Wales bugs me so.”