Six things more painful than childbirth, by a man

IT’S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains: 

Nostril hair removal

You might think growing old as a man is all upsides because you become irresistible to younger women, but no. Anyone over 35 knows about the terrible trauma of nose hair. It takes real guts to grab hold of a clump and yank it from your snozzle. The searing jolt of intense pain is twice as bad as having your lady bits stitched-up.

Standing on Lego

It’s horrifyingly painful and can also be very unexpected, whereas women have nine months to prepare. Worse still, if you take a swift second step you can step on Lego again with the other foot, going through the same thing again seconds later. That can’t happen with childbirth, except for twins.

Papercuts

The intensity of the pain from a simple piece of paper, man’s own creation, slicing open your finger is difficult to process. The dull aches of having a baby can’t really be compared. If a woman suffered a papercut while in labour she’d immediately forget about the labour pains because they’re nothing.

Pins-and-needles

Imagine the terror of a whole limb going completely numb and you don’t know if it’ll ever work again. You can’t hold a beer or anything. It really takes it out of you. Women are back on their feet in no time but I’m still enduring the mental repercussions of pins and needles for hours.

Sneezing

I’m not a medical expert or anything but I believe the rapid jolt forward of the cranium involved in sneezing can cause subdural fractal hematoma or something. And you can do more than one sneeze whereas women only give birth once usually. And sneezing can be quite messy.

Being kicked hard in the bollocks

They’ll never, ever understand the soul-shrieking agony. To be fair it’s never happened to me but I’ve heard stories.

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Garden birdwatching and other parent-child activities parents will finish alone

YOU’VE got the children: everyone else has got ludicrous ideas about entertaining them. Here are a few activities your kids will abandon well before the end: 

Play a board game

An age-appropriate board game is a great way to teach kids about following rules and learning to lose. Sadly these are not lessons children want to learn. Either you’ll win and they’ll cry, they’ll win and piss you off, or more likely they will simply go to the loo and not return. Different counters and tokens will be found scattered for weeks.

Video call a relative

Catching up with family members virtually is a great way to nurture precious relationships, except for young children, for whom it is an opportunity to run in and out of shot shouting that they don’t want to talk then grabbing your phone and running away with it. Follow up the call with a lying text about how your child is ‘not really into screens’.

Fold laundry together

Involving your children in household chores is a great way to feel productive and teach them some valuable life skills. Until kids tip clean laundry all over the floor, roll around in it, lick it, chuck it down the stairs and then accidentally piss on it. While they watch the iPad, you’ll be reloading the washing machine.

Make a time capsule

Time passes so quickly when you’re raising children, in theory, so making a time capsule is a perfect way to capture precious moments. Children, however, have no concept of time beyond how long they have to cry before you let them have another biscuit. But it’s worth going to all the trouble so they can demand you dig it up tomorrow.

The Big Garden Birdwatch

Touted as an activity by grandparents who either do not remember raising children or were able to perform the level of near-inhuman sorcery required to make a preschooler stare at an empty garden, waiting for birds. Counting birds is not just beyond a child’s capabilities, it’s beyond most adults. Write ‘blackbird, magpie, sparrow’ then f**k off indoors.