Thursday, 25th February 2021

Six things more painful than childbirth, by a man

IT’S easy to scream about the agony of pushing a human through a small orifice, but according to lifelong man Tom Logan it’s nothing compared to what men suffer. He explains: 

Nostril hair removal

You might think growing old as a man is all upsides because you become irresistible to younger women, but no. Anyone over 35 knows about the terrible trauma of nose hair. It takes real guts to grab hold of a clump and yank it from your snozzle. The searing jolt of intense pain is twice as bad as having your lady bits stitched-up.

Standing on Lego

It’s horrifyingly painful and can also be very unexpected, whereas women have nine months to prepare. Worse still, if you take a swift second step you can step on Lego again with the other foot, going through the same thing again seconds later. That can’t happen with childbirth, except for twins.

Papercuts

The intensity of the pain from a simple piece of paper, man’s own creation, slicing open your finger is difficult to process. The dull aches of having a baby can’t really be compared. If a woman suffered a papercut while in labour she’d immediately forget about the labour pains because they’re nothing.

Pins-and-needles

Imagine the terror of a whole limb going completely numb and you don’t know if it’ll ever work again. You can’t hold a beer or anything. It really takes it out of you. Women are back on their feet in no time but I’m still enduring the mental repercussions of pins and needles for hours.

Sneezing

I’m not a medical expert or anything but I believe the rapid jolt forward of the cranium involved in sneezing can cause subdural fractal hematoma or something. And you can do more than one sneeze whereas women only give birth once usually. And sneezing can be quite messy.

Being kicked hard in the bollocks

They’ll never, ever understand the soul-shrieking agony. To be fair it’s never happened to me but I’ve heard stories.