Smoker worried by hair in pouch of tobacco that already contains formaldehyde

A SMOKER has expressed concern after finding a hair in rolling tobacco that already contained embalming fluid.

Tom Booker discovered the hair whilst making the first roll up from his new pouch.

He said: “It was just looking up at me like ‘and what?’. It might have been a pubic hair or worse still a man’s pubic hair.

“I threw the whole pouch away. I mean, if there are hairs in it, who knows what else could be getting in there?

“The baccy factory needs to check its product before and after all the corpse-preserving additives and any other carcinogens, whether in liquid or gas form, have been added.”

He added: “I don’t mind what’s in there so long as it’s officially allowed to be in there.”

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Gentrifier couple show terrified middle class parents around their new area

A YOUNG couple have given their frightened relatives a tour of the deprived but ‘up and coming’ area where they have bought a flat.

Julian and Sarah Cook spent the weekend showing Julian’s parents, who live in a large house near Windsor, around the supposedly vibrant area on the outskirts of London where they have purchased a two bedroom flat for £445,000.

Julian’s mother Sue tightly clutched her husband Tony’s arm as they toured a nearby street with several obvious crackheads gathered on a stairwell and the charred remains of a car that somebody had set on fire.

Acting as guide, Julian Cook said: “There’s a new tapas bar opening just around the corner, and a thriving local arts scene. The primary school has a very good OFSTED report although we might go private if I get that promotion.

“It’s handy for the overland train, and there’s a market on Tuesdays where they sell massive watermelons.”

Sue and Tony Cook nodded approvingly during the visit, only sharing their concerns once they had gotten into their brand new Volkswagen Passat and safely locked the doors.

Tony then said: “I’m sure that man outside the corner shop was smoking wacky backy. Seems like a bloody funny place to me.”

Sue said: “As long as they’re happy, I suppose. Are the doors definitely locked?”