So I guess we’re staying out now, says third pint

A MAN’S third pint explained in a friendly but firm voice that he would now be staying out, it has emerged.

Tom Logan believed he was enjoying one or two quick drinks before heading home. However the tone of the occasion changed when a third pint appeared in front of him.

The third pint said: “Well my friend, here we are.

“Looks like you won’t be heading home before closing time, and I’d kiss goodbye to thoughts of making that lasagne – we’re looking at a doner or maybe a ‘chicken pieces times two plus chips’ meal deal.

“I believe you’ve met my friends fourth pint, and fifth pint. They’ll be along shortly.

“I think sixth pint might even put in an appearance. Remember him? He’s the one who makes the ceiling move back and forth like a menacing ocean, while you lie in bed consumed by regret.

“Anyway, better drink me up, or I’ll go flat.”

It added: “Tomorrow is going to be awful, just awful.”


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This is a new low for me, says 'gate' suffix

THE ‘gate’ suffix, used for political scandals since 1972’s Watergate, has admitted that yesterday’s Traingate is a new low. 

The row, concerning whether a bearded scruff sat on a train floor or not, has seen the 44-year-old suffix checking into a rehabilitation clinic. 

It said: “People didn’t used to throw ‘gate’ around like this for nothing. I was a player, reserved for really major scandals.  

“Remember Contragate, in the 80s? Or Monicagate? Hell, even Squidgygate concerned the mother of a future head of state. 

“But since the turn of the century, and my divorce, I’ve taken any gig. Betsygate, Sachsgate, Janet Jackson’s Nipplegate, whatever. 

“But this has to be rock bottom. A row about how long a socialist sat on a train floor, whether the seats he passed were reserved, and his opportunity to lose the next election? 

“I tell you, with Traingate, ‘gate’ took a long hard look at himself in the mirror and didn’t like what he saw. I’m cleaning up my act, starting now.” 

The suffix is next expected to be seen in next month’s Freddogate, concerning the above-inflation price rise of the confectionery item to 30p.