Steampunk goggles made available on the NHS

STEAMPUNKS have won their battle for free quasi-Victorian corrective eyewear.

The steampunk movement, which consists mainly of people with terrible eyesight, has long campaigned to make huge metal goggles with elastic straps available on prescription.

24-year-old steampunk Stephen Malley said: “People say our movement’s an escapist role-playing thing inspired by science fiction and chimney sweeps, but really our main agenda is getting more choice for people who can’t see very well.

“I am effectively blind without my goggles.

“And of course you need a top hat to store them on, which then necessitates the wearing of an old three-piece safari suit, which in turn means you need a massive pocket watch on a chain.”

Popular steampunk goggle styles including ‘Cyber-Mountbatten’ and ‘Disgraced Zeppelin Captain’ will be available on the NHS as an alternative to conventional glasses, although not for kids as they would definitely get bullied at school.

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64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.

You actually like this despite calling him an ‘old perv’

Respondents to an anonymous survey by the Institute for Studies confirmed they would enjoy Christmas despite outward cynicism about the festive season.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I would never admit this to friends but there are a lot of good things about Christmas – the time off work, the drinking, the eating. I even think those massive Christmas light displays that mental people have on their houses are quite pretty.

“Winter would be pretty shit without it.”

Guardian reader Emma Bradford said: “Christmas is the time when I am ostensibly up in arms about ‘commercialisation’, which is weird because I buy myself expensive shoes, chairs and other consumer items through the year without any such reservations.

“Perhaps the real reason I pretend to dislike it is that it is a bit common.”

86-year-old Bill McKay said: “I’ve spent decades building my persona as the neighbourhood’s most curmudgeonly old bastard. But when nobody’s around I listen to carol records on my headphones.

“I like their lyrical imagery of frosty landscapes and candle-lit nativity scenes. But of course if any kids come to my door raising their angelic voices in song I will tell them to fuck off.”