DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.
The BMA says that every week more than 90% of Britain's doctors are forced to see unwell patients and try and make them better.
The association wants a new raft of legislation which will outlaw alcohol, vehicles, tobacco, television and all foodstuffs except cranberries and porridge.
As a first step doctors are demanding the right to hold consultations at their golf club, on their boat or in the back of their Jaguar while driving to the airport.
A BMA spokesman said: "Doctors' contracts make it clear that in exchange for completing their medical degree they will recieve £100,000 a year, no questions asked and any treatment they provide will be part of an elaborate tax scam.
"Too often doctors are being forced to work until mid-afternoon, telling fat people they eat too much, prescribing anti-depressants and beating smokers over the head with a big book."
He added: "These days most illnesses are caused by being poor. If more people made the effort to get a decent medical degree they would soon notice a significant improvement in their quality of life."