'Stop Being Ill', Demand Doctors

DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.

The BMA says that every week more than 90% of Britain's doctors are forced to see unwell patients and try and make them better.

The association wants a new raft of legislation which will outlaw alcohol, vehicles, tobacco, television and all foodstuffs except cranberries and porridge.

As a first step doctors are demanding the right to hold consultations at their golf club, on their boat or in the back of their Jaguar while driving to the airport.

A BMA spokesman said: "Doctors' contracts make it clear that in exchange for completing their medical degree they will recieve £100,000 a year, no questions asked and any treatment they provide will be part of an elaborate tax scam.

"Too often doctors are being forced to work until mid-afternoon, telling fat people they eat too much, prescribing anti-depressants and beating smokers over the head with a big book."

He added: "These days most illnesses are caused by being poor. If more people made the effort to get a decent medical degree they would soon notice a significant improvement in their quality of life."

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More Young Professionals Forced To Live In Balloons

WITH house prices now more than 400 times the average salary, more and more young people are being forced to live in hot air ballons, according to new research.

A study by Glasgow Clyde University found a 33% year-on-year increase in balloon-based living among young professionals across the UK.

Research director Dr Wayne Hayes said: “Balloons offer a practical, low cost alternative to a canal barge, a tent or an old fridge freezer.

“Thanks to a planning loophole we are seeing more and more balloon estates cropping up on the edge of major towns and cities.”

He added: “Although small, the views are fabulous. And in a balloon the world is not just your oyster, it is also your toilet.”

Sarah Bamforth, a 28 year-old marketing manager from Swindon, has been living in a balloon with her boyfriend for six months.

“You do have to get the hang of the sand bags pretty quickly, otherwise it takes ages to back down to the ground. I was late for work every day for a month when we first moved in.”

She added: “It’s fine really. There’s room for a small fridge, a gas ring and a couple of sleeping bags.

“But I would advise against having a pet. We’ve gone through five cats since Christmas.”