‘Stop Being Ill’, Demand Doctors

DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.

"I've got better things to do than worry about your blood disease you whingeing little tit"

The BMA says that every week more than 90% of Britain's doctors are forced to see unwell patients and try and make them better.

The association wants a new raft of legislation which will outlaw alcohol, vehicles, tobacco, television and all foodstuffs except cranberries and porridge.

As a first step doctors are demanding the right to hold consultations at their golf club, on their boat or in the back of their Jaguar while driving to the airport.

A BMA spokesman said: "Doctors' contracts make it clear that in exchange for completing their medical degree they will recieve £100,000 a year, no questions asked and any treatment they provide will be part of an elaborate tax scam.

"Too often doctors are being forced to work until mid-afternoon, telling fat people they eat too much, prescribing anti-depressants and beating smokers over the head with a big book."

He added: "These days most illnesses are caused by being poor. If more people made the effort to get a decent medical degree they would soon notice a significant improvement in their quality of life."