Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Success of lockdown 'entirely dependent on everyone actually doing it'

SCIENTISTS have put forward the controversial theory that lockdowns only work if the public actually bothers to f**king observe them. 

The UK Centre of Disease Prevention found a strong statistical correlation between increases in the R rate and behaving as if the second England-wide lockdown is not for you but for other people.

Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Strangely, this infectious disease passed from human to human thrives when measures taken to stop its transmission are completely ignored.

“A careful study of everything we’ve been saying loudly and unavoidably for seven months would reveal that popping round to friends and relatives, wandering maskless around garden centres and visiting five National Trusts per weekend will actually spread the virus.

“So I would advise everyone in England who’s carrying on with life exactly as they did before that they appear to have missed the point. Right, done, I’m off to a rave.”

Member of the public Nikki Hollis said: “I’m being extra careful this lockdown by only visiting my mum, cousins, Tesco, my mate Shelley’s shared house and Spain next week.

“Hugs are fine so long as you’ve got an unopened bottle of hand sanitiser at home, right?”