Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Teachers get chance to be heroes by risking death for f**k all pay

TEACHERS will get to be pandemic heroes by risking death for salaries which do not in any way reflect that. 

The government has announced that the UK’s current underpaid heroes – nurses, doctors, care home staff and supermarket staff – will be joined by teachers delighted at the chance to die nobly in the line of duty. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “They’ll build statues to you. Banksy will do a shit painting of you. We’ll clap for you, if we’re still doing that next month.

“It’s possible you won’t get to enjoy it because you’ll be in hospital on a ventilator, but imagine how proud your family will be that you’re leading the pandemic’s second wave. 

“There won’t, of course, be any extra money available – in fact we’re planning a pay freeze – but heroes don’t care about that kind of thing. 

“Yes, you might die. Yes, that would appear to not be worth it just so Year One kids get taught one day a fortnight. But all wars need a pointless sacrifice, so why not a bunch of lefties?” 

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I was especially excited to hear about all the planning put in place to protect us from catching coronavirus. No, just kidding, there isn’t any.”