Teachers get chance to be heroes by risking death for f**k all pay

TEACHERS will get to be pandemic heroes by risking death for salaries which do not in any way reflect that. 

The government has announced that the UK’s current underpaid heroes – nurses, doctors, care home staff and supermarket staff – will be joined by teachers delighted at the chance to die nobly in the line of duty. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson said: “They’ll build statues to you. Banksy will do a shit painting of you. We’ll clap for you, if we’re still doing that next month.

“It’s possible you won’t get to enjoy it because you’ll be in hospital on a ventilator, but imagine how proud your family will be that you’re leading the pandemic’s second wave. 

“There won’t, of course, be any extra money available – in fact we’re planning a pay freeze – but heroes don’t care about that kind of thing. 

“Yes, you might die. Yes, that would appear to not be worth it just so Year One kids get taught one day a fortnight. But all wars need a pointless sacrifice, so why not a bunch of lefties?” 

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I was especially excited to hear about all the planning put in place to protect us from catching coronavirus. No, just kidding, there isn’t any.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman to applaud her cleaner from safety of top of stairs

A WOMAN is planning to stand and applaud her cleaner from a very safe distance at the top of the stairs.

For eight weeks, heroic marketing manager Susan Traherne has been juggling domestic life with a minimal amount of remote working, frequent Facebook posts and white wine in the afternoon.

But now, thanks to the easing of the lockdown, her cleaner Donna Sheridan can return to work with a wonderful, one-off show of appreciation.

Traherne said: “I hope other working mums like me will join me in my stair-based gesture to our gallant domestic servants, which means more than any pay rise.

“They are essential workers. For what seems like years now I’ve been been holding my teenage boys’ stained underpants at arm’s length with tongs, having dramas about dog hair and occasionally weeping about dishwasher blockages.

“Now that Donna is back she can deal with the eight-week backlog of all this, while I get on with the important work of my Zoom chats and mummy blog.

“Unfortunately, Donna chooses to make the eight-mile trip to my house by public transport rather than bike, so I have to keep my distance. For the children’s sake, you know. And the dog.”