That’s how teeth are supposed to look, says Britain

BRITAIN’S teeth are imperfect because they have not had lots of weird, expensive shit done to them, it has been confirmed.

Following fresh condemnation of the UK’s mouths from dentists and Americans, Britons have claimed their teeth looked flawed because that is cheaper and more natural than glueing on massive fake ones.

Teacher Susan Traherne said: “Are they still on about that, then, with the teeth?

“Has it not occurred to them that putting your teeth in a cage for six years or coating them in chemicals is a bit fucking odd?” 

She added: “I went out with this American once, I couldn’t look at him directly, or I’d have afterimages burnt on my retinas for weeks.

“And dentists can shut up, they’re all weird sadists like out of a David Lynch film.”

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “Like anyone normal, I go to the dentist when I can’t stand the pain any more. 

“My teeth aren’t white, but neither is my penis burnished with a lustrous shine of gold and I’m okay with that.”

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Slankets ‘unacceptable’

BLANKETS with arms have no place in a civilised world, it has been claimed.

Experts at the Institute for Studies have recommended that Slanket owners should be put on a special register for lazy bastards.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Owning a Slanket is like saying ‘I never wanted to leave the womb’.

“There should be a social stigma attached to it. These people are adults but they behave like kittens, obsessed with heat and ‘snuggling’.

“It is pathetic.”

Professor Brubaker believes that Slanket owners should at least have the decency to hide it, rather than leaving the stinky body cocoon lying on the sofa where it is visible to guests.

Slanket fan Mary Fisher said: “My goal is to reach the point of ‘maximum snuggle’, where I am so warm and cosy with my Slanket, my low calorie chocolate drink and the central heating cranked up that I literally melt into a puddle of blissful sweat.”