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The best desperate tactics when you're trying to hold in a piss

IS your bladder absolutely bursting with no solution in sight? Here are five ploys to help you fight the need to pee.

Pull a face 

Scrunching up your face won’t directly affect your bladder, but hopefully your face will start to ache, diverting attention away from your agonising need to piss. Also try groaning and hopping up and down. This may buy time for the urge to wee to pass of its own accord. Or you might wet yourself. One or the other.

Tell everyone 

When it comes to a full bladder, a problem shared is not a problem halved, but it’s certainly a problem awkwardly broadcasted to people who would prefer not to know about it. At least now you’re not the only one feeling uncomfortable. 

Tense up

If you’re fighting to hold in a piss, relaxing any single part of your body could be a big mistake as it may give your wee-hole muscles the mistaken idea they can stand down as well. Tense yourself up more than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson posing for an Instagram post and don’t make any sudden movements that might ‘open the floodgates’.

Look around for places to piss

Even if you’re not actually going to urinate in your child’s shoe or your boss’ handbag, looking around for potential piss receptacles can be a great way to keep hope alive and your spirits up while you wait for the Tube to reach the next stop or your work appraisal to come to a f**king end.  

Pray

However rational your beliefs, sometimes there’s nothing for it but to get higher powers involved. There are no atheists in foxholes, as they say. If you don’t have an official god figure to ask for help, try praying to the person ahead of you in the toilet queue. They are, after all, the one holding your fate in their hands. 

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Seven bloody awful songs you'll love if you're an estate agent

DO you like music that’s bland and mainstream but motivates you to earn more commission? You may well be an estate agent. Here’s your ultimate playlist.

Under Pressure, Queen and David Bowie

Ideal for dramatising a moderately busy day of driving around flogging horribly overpriced properties. The subtext of course is that you are under pressure, but YOU CAN HANDLE IT. Even if that pressure is just leaving the keys in the office and having to go back for them.

X Gon’ Give It to Ya, DMX

Angry and combative, so perfect for getting hyped up to give the hard sell to a couple dithering over buying a semi with lots of obvious flaws, eg. a tiny third bedroom that’s too small for anyone taller than Stuart Little. Probably what Dominic Raab listens to before having sex, and that’s good enough for you. 

Blurred Lines, Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell 

Whether you’re in Southend or Stoke, this is your anthem when you’re on the pull in some hellish nightclub inappropriately called Raffles or similar. After eight pints you’re every bit as cool as millionaire pop star smoothie Mr Thicke, and the various pissed women you’re mauling all look like Emily Ratajkowski.

Simply the Best, Tina Turner

Sounds great at maximum volume in your little Foxtons Mini when you’ve exceeded last month’s commission. The irony of tragic mediocrity David Brent using it in his toe-curling motivational seminar is lost on you, but it’s probably best you don’t think about it.

I Gotta Feeling, Black Eyed Peas

A great song for both work and play. You’ve ‘gotta feeling’ you’re going to sell that crappy maisonette in an amenity-free wasteland on the outskirts of Leeds. You’ve ‘gotta feeling’ you might get your leg over tonight. Above all the Black Eyed Peas’ vapid lifestyle full of DJing New York dickheads is very much what you aspire to.

Everybody Hurts, REM

Even a go-getting estate agent at the top of their game has their sensitive side. This plodding track is ideal for reflecting on the deeper questions in life: why haven’t I got a company Audi like Darren? Have I missed the boat on buy-to-let? Should I have a shower then a sandwich, or should I have the sandwich first? 

YMCA, The Village People

The office party classic. Everyone knows the words, and you can do most of the letters in the ‘YMCA’ bit, depending on how pissed you are. The main thing is it’s a bloody good laugh, and that’s what music is all about. You’re not a poof, though.

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